About every couple of months I have a day or two when I feel lonely. Not just a little out of touch, but deep down lonliness. It is usually sparked by the brush-off of a friend or most commonly when I feel like my husband is too busy for me. It sounds really silly and a little pathetic, in retrospect. This sensitivity is one of the worst aspects of being an extreme extrovert.
This morning I woke up feeling this morose lonliness. After dropping Jaybird off in carpool, I decided to head north to the outlet malls to make some exchanges. The outlet malls are an hour away, and Jaybird is only in school 3 hours, 15 minutes. As irrational as a trip this far away during our time frame seemed, I needed the quiet time in the car, so I popped in a Baby Einstein movie and we were on our way.
The car ride was quiet and beautiful. As I sulked and prayed, God tenderly revealed the paradox of my own heart. I realized that my "lonely funks" are almost always paralleled with an absence of time with God. I felt like the Lord allowed me to feel this way because He wanted to reveal His own desire that I spend time with Him. When I don't have time with my closest friends, particularly my husband, I quickly feel disconnected and eventually neglected and sad. Although I am not foolish enough to think that my absence causes God to be lonely, I do know that He laments my spiritual independence and it saddens Him. So many stories in the Bible reveal this aspect of His character. For example, in the story of Noah and the flood, Genesis says that no one revered God and He was grieved that He made man. Of course, this is only one example of this theme that runs through out the Bible. The Bible, after all, is the beautiful love story of God and His bride and that He gave His life for Her in the midst of her "spiritual adultery".
As my ride came to an end, I had travelled the spectrum from self-pity to conviction. And as I remembered that there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ, the conviction gently and lovingly lead to repentance by the Spirit. Once again, the Lord graciously drew me back into His arms and away from myself. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times...His grace really is amazing.
"But God proved His love for us in that while we still were sinners Christ died for us."
Romans 5:8
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3 comments:
Wow. I find myself in the "pit" of lonliness at times. I too have realized that so much is connected with the time I spend in the Word, but have never looked at it as God feeling neglected too.
What a powerful car ride!
Wonderful post! I think we all have times like that! Amen to the last part! God's grace is amazing!
To the most beautiful woman in the world...You still have my heart- all of it- and I love that you are my very best friend. I praise God for you every day. Thanks for hanging in there with me and thanks for placing your expectations on Him (the One who is able to do exceedingly more than we could ask or think, according to the power that works within us) instead of me. May Christ remain your first true love!
I love you! (oh yeah...no need to post this one)
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