Today was an awful day for me. I battled feelings of being overwhelmed and discontent all day. And then a simple filling at the dentist for Jaybird turned in to an extraction. He handled it beautifully. But it was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I could feel the self-pity setting in. I began to question God with, "I am trying to honor you. Why do the circumstances feel so difficult?" I won't go into each thing that is burdensome, but I will admit that I was struggling physically, emotionally and spiritually today. Then tonight I read the following excerpt from another blog. The author will be admitted into the hospital tomorrow to deliver her daughter that is diagnosed with trisomy-18. (The same diagnosis as Eliot if you were familiar with his story). Any way, although her circumstances are full of much deeper pain and much more difficult trials, her words rang true with my own emotions. I was blessed by her words so much. I am praying for her tonight, as well as the Lord's gracious hand in giving us all a new day tomorrow filled with abundant grace.
And sometimes the only way to receive grace, and to really understand what you're accepting (that you are responsible for exactly 0% of what God fully accomplished in saving you), is to be broken. Broken enough that you can't hold onto anything except Jesus' hand when He stretches it out.This season has broken me. It breaks me daily. Someone recently told me that going through an experience like this will leave you with a "limp" - that I can expect to never feel totally "put together" again. They weren't referring to emotions, I don't think. They didn't mean I'd be a constant wreck for years to come. I think they simply meant that the Lord will allow me to incur a wound that, while He may heal it, will leave a scar I will never be able to forget - certainly not cover up. I know the Father uses the weak; the stories of Jesus healing the crippled in the New Testament reveal, over and over again, God's heart for the lame. Irregardless, I don't want to be included in that demographic; I'd rather be 'whole' in the eyes of the world, whole by the standards that I know to be real here in this life. And so Jesus understood - knew from the beginning of time - that I'd need to be reminded that in my weakness, He is made strong. It is in the things the world calls foolish and insignificant that He reveals His glory. May His strength swallow up my frailty, His joy my sorrow.
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3 comments:
Praying for you! I recently went through a dark time too. I knew my reality wasn't THAT bad, but it sure was wiping me out. I pray you will be comforted and lifted out of your weary time.
Blessings,
God is so faithful.
That piece reminds me of Jacob when he struggled with God and walked away with a limp -- he was broken, too. He was never the same. And from then on, he was known as Israel.
Regarding the last comments in italics, and continuing Jackie's theme, above...
I recently read a book that had a chapter dedicated to Jacob. The author said that Jacob's limp was a sign of victory, that as he limped away, the sun was coming up over him... what a picture of God's grace and glory resting upon a man. Men who have fought in wars show their scars like trophies, and that is what a limp is to a child of God. We have struggled with God, and overcome. He has grown us up, like a daddy wrestling with his children, holding back, letting them feel strong, letting them grow strong... until finally the day comes when they ARE strong. God "struggled" with Jacob to make him stronger, then he gave him a limp as a battle scar... "for you have struggled with God and overcome." It was like his badge of courage... a medal of honor, we could say, from God.
Sometimes, it is true, something different has to become "normal," and that transition is difficult. But you will limp away, with the sun rising over you, and another day will begin... you may limp, but it will be a victorious limp, not a pitiable one.
I hope this makes sense... and I hope you have a better day tomorrow. God has a way of knowing when to give us sunshine and when to give us rain. I hope tomorrow is full of the sun for you.
Jen
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