Ripleys believe it or not!!

I want a consensus. Don't you think the baby could have made Ripley's for this umbilical cord? I looked over and thought a shiny squash was hanging off of her navel! I know it's gross and I'm not trying to make her a freak show. But, have you ever seen such a thing??? They used forceps to clamp it because the traditional clamp was too small.

Our little team

We have a love for college football. It actually marks my very favorite time of year for so many reasons. I remember in college during football season I could count on seeing my mom and dad every Saturday as they came to town for the games. I would meet my brother, who also attended the same college, at the stadium. I went to every game with my sweetheart all decked out (he was in a fraternity and in the south that means dressing up for every game). I love the smell in the air. I love looking at a crowd of 80,000 people that all have a love for the same team. I love instantly connecting with a stadium full of strangers. I love football season. For a girly-girl who was always into ballet and the dance team, it is the only sport I have ever understood. I never played sports in my life. So there it is, and now we are passing down the love to our little team. Don't they look cute?

Good morning!

Even after a night with little rest, I am marveling at this beautiful face that I woke up to this morning.

Today I read a newsletter from a dear friend who just had her fourth baby and is raising support to be an overseas missionary with her young family (husband, 6 yr old, 3 yr old, 18 month old, 1 month old). She quoted a book, Stepping Heavenward by Elizabeth Prentiss, which I have not read but have heard so much about. This quote is so beautiful and poignant to me right now as I type at the computer with a weak body, ratty hair and tired eyes. I am inspired and so deeply joyful.

After the birth of a new baby Elizabeth says,
"I shall now have one mouth the more to fill, and two feet the more to shoe; more disturbed nights, more laborious days, and less leisure for visiting, reading, music and drawing. This is one side of the story to be sure, but I look at the other. Here is a sweet, fragrant mouth to kiss; here are two more feet to make music with their pattering about my nursery. Here is a soul to train for God, and the body in which it dwells is worthy of all it will cost, since it is the abode of a kingly tenant. I may see less of friends, but I have gained one dearer than them all, to whom, while I minister in Christ's name, I make a willing sacrifice of what little leisure for my own recreation, my other darlings had left me. Yes, my precious baby, you are welcome to your mother's heart, welcome to her time, her strength, her health, her tenderest cares, to her life-long prayers! Oh, how rich I am, how truly, how wondrously blest!"

Here she is...

With love and thankfulness we announce the birth of our little sweetheart...

Lydia Joy

8 pounds, 3 ounces

20 1/2 inches

September 21 at 7:25 pm

The baby's nursery

Before we go to the hospital, I wanted to post some pictures of the baby's nursery. This might not be interesting at all to anyone. But a while back I blogged on the changing table my husband was making for her and other decorating ideas and I thought some of you would enjoy seeing the finished product. I was really proud of my man for making his first piece of furniture for our little girl. It looks like a potter's bench from a garden, but of course the pastels make it soft and sweet for a baby girl's nursery. Also, remember the sewing project I talked about? I was going to recover the glider? Well...I ran out of time and found a local seamstress to do it. We actually just got it back today and I thought she did a good job. The fabric feels like a mixture of corduroy and velvet. It is really soft and comfy. The picture of the crib is hard to make out. The stars and dragonfly actually are suspended from the ceiling. I love the way they look and it will be fun for her to look up and see them, but I am a little worried that they will fall into her crib so they may not last. (I am so paranoid. My husband assured me that they are safely secured to the ceiling!) The wall with the window is painted pink with a scallop at the top. My husband worked so hard to make that scallop just right. But that too did not show up so well on the photo. Any how, that's the finished product. Again, I was going to sew curtains for her nursery but I some how ran out of time. (I am blaming it on homeschool! :) So I found these curtains at Pottery Barn and had her initials monogrammed on them.

I hope she enjoys it! Thank you for those who gave their advice on how to decorate and what you liked. We are happy with the way it turned out and more importantly it was such a fun step in getting excited about her birth and celebrating her. We are officially "on call" now with the hospital. A nurse will call within the next 48 hours to tell us to come in to start the induction. So I am signing off until we get back. Thanks so much for your prayers!!

Whew, what a day!

After a LONG trip to the grocery store, I was so thrilled when my friend called and asked us to come over after lunch. It was my little motivation to put one foot in front of the other and stock up on groceries and toiletries for the next week or two. The kids were great and we got everything on the list. Lunch was good. Then we went to our friend's house...

The weather was so beautiful today. My friend has a newborn, so we plopped our behinds in camping chairs in the driveway and ordered the kids to play outside while we talked. They did for the next 3 hours, but there were so many interesting interruptions. First, her 17 month old fell and just about took a 6 foot plunge into the creek below. (They have a creek that runs under their driveway.) She was literally hanging in the monkey grass when we ran to retrieve her.) I think I pulled a muscle trying to run with my big belly, and Becca had her newborn baby in tow so she was not much faster. #1 was particularly bossy today and had to be reprimanded upteen times for not letting other people share their ideas. #2 ran up to the chair and impulsively grabbed Becca's cell phone and tossed it into her water cup. I have no idea why he did that, but we will probably be paying for a new phone for her. Oh, and #1 was in the garage playing with gymnastic rings and somehow wrapped the rope from the rings around his neck. It wasn't tight enough to hurt him, but a little scary none the less. We came home and my sweetie had dinner almost ready. While I bathed the muddy kids, he got fish, sweet potatoes and pasta on the table. It was delicious to me...but it took #2, our pickier eater, 1 hour and ten minutes to eat what was on his plate!

Can you tell by my tone that I am a little grumpy? I think I need to sign off and go and get a really good night sleep. That always gives me a new perspective!

Chuggin' along

Today was a quiet day at home. The boys made me laugh at the interesting things they found to entertain themselves with. For some reason, my oldest is obsessed with wanting to see E.T. So they came up with an E.T. skit and performed it on stage (our bed). We caught a pet praying mantis, named him Bacon Biscuit Pop Tart or "Bacon" for short. Their Daddy also found a little pet turtle for them that #2 named Nemo. Other forms of entertainment were the sand box, which they decided to sit in and pour sand from head to toe on one another. And they also created a really intricate dinosaur land with plastic dinosaurs. We decided to take homeschool as I felt like doing it this week...and I was not up for it today. #1 talked the entire day long. I wonder how he has a voice left at the end of the day. He asked me at dinner tonight, "What does it feel like to die?" Literally one sentence later he was telling me of a special exhibit at Disney World that he read about and wants to see next year when we go.

We found out at the dr. that I am 3/4 cm dialated. So we are feeling good about being induced this week. We were planned for Friday, but might get moved up to Thursday. Tomorrow we will know a day and time. I am completely focussed on having this baby and can't seem to accomplish anything else. I am done nesting. I now have no desire to clean, cook or wash clothes. My husband has provided a cleaning crew for me right now, thank goodness. So at least I know that Wednesday I can count on them to clean the house really well.

That's all for us. Not much excitement today, just chuggin' along!

Our last week as a foursome

Well, this is our last Saturday as a family of four. Kindof weird! We have all been so excited about our new addition. I want to spend this last week dreaming of her and anticipating her. But I also want to enjoy our family this way, too. I feel like we are so blessed to be a really close family. We are blessed to have a lot of time together due to homeschooling and my man working at home. I know that the amount of time the four of us spend together is way more than the average family. There was a time a few years ago that I felt like I hardly ever saw my husband due to his commute and work load. So I am so thankful for his flexibility and time now. I just want to soak it all up. The baby will add so much fun and love and excitement to our little family, but still it will never be the same. We are ready for a change, I think. But this week is all about the end of our little foursome and the beginning of being a family of 5. I think we will cap it off on Thursday night with a cake to celebrate. I can't believe we have less than a week! Does anyone have any other ideas on how to prepare the boys?

Ugg...

Our trip to the aquarium...my new favorite field trip!

Praying through this last week of pregnancy. I am really being tempted to worry and fear. I am about to put off homeschool to go and search scripture for some verses to encourage me. If you have any in mind, please comment!

Sweet Daddy

Something wonderful has happened between my man and #2 the two the past month. My boys have both always enjoyed their Daddy so much. And who wouldn't? He takes the time to really BE with them. They have their weekly Daddies and Donuts outing. They go fishing, camping, to the creek, to the park and so many other places...just the 3 of them. They play cards, sumo wrestle, play tag, swim or play hide-and-seek daily. They already have many skills that they can say they learned from their Daddy. My husband is an amazing Dad!!

But beyond that, there is a new bond between he and #2. My little guy can absolutely not get enough of his Daddy! If they are in the same room, he is hugging him, on his shoulders, asking him questions, etc. The other day #2 got hurt and actually went to his Daddy for sympathy. It is the first time either of us can remember that we were both there and he chose Daddy. I know that it is no coincidence that this transition is happening right now as we are getting ready to have a baby. I am so thankful for what God is doing to their relationship. It makes it easier for me to see my baby become a big brother. Isn't it so amazing that our great, big God works out the simplest details and listens to the tiniest of prayers?

A peaceful day

Today was a refreshing day around here. My man took over homeschool just after lunch. It took he and the boys several hours to finish the bird houses. I spent the time getting some things done and then relaxing on the deck. I actually stayed still long enough to watch the hummingbirds feed at the feeder, get a few bug bites and read. It was heavenly. This house has the most wonderful deck. We have never had a deck before, always just a slab patio. This deck is a tri-level piece of heaven. There is a lot of shade back there, so it is cool and peaceful. The thermometer read 62 degrees this morning and around 70 degrees this afternoon.

The kids came in to rest and then we decided to eat out. Mexican...mmm! The highlight was not the food, just the idea of not having to cook or clean. We stopped by the pond in our neighborhood and it was so cool and pleasant. We explored new trails and my sweetie gave the kids a mini science lesson on cicadas. Their "shells" were all over the trees. We also saw ducks, geese, turtles, fish and lots of mosquitoes! After a quick stop at the playground we came home and put them to bed. #1 prayed, "Dear God, Thank you for your world filled up with all of your creation. Thank you for the other planets too. But thank you for so much creation." What a day! Another day that I just sucked in slowly and wished would never end with these two amazing little boys. The weeks are flying by and I can't get enough of them...their faces, their words, their hugs and kisses. I feel overwhelmingly blessed today.

Homeschool Highlights

We have been studying different types of animals this year in homeschool. First we studied farm animals and farming, then wild animals and the zoo and this week we are studying birds. I wanted to post some of our favorite projects. The first picture is of our clay monkeys. The second is of the kids feeding a calf at the dairy farm...my favorite field trip thus far! (That's my big belly in the picture.) The third is #1 finding the queen bee at the honey exhibit at the farmer's market. And the last is some animal creation that #1 made from his Kidnex toys. Tomorrow the kids are making bird houses with Dad. I'll post pictures, should be fun.

One of my highlights in school this week was #2's prayer for our day yesterday. He prayed an original that made me smile. "Dear Jesus, I just pway dat you have a good day. I hope your day goes well Jesus. In Jesus name, Amen!"

Also, reading clicked for #2 today. We used those Leap Frog refrigerator letters for reading lesson. I needed a break from 110 Easy Lessons...it's so monotonous! I started putting any and every 3 letter word I could think of together. He was sounding them out and reading! I was so excited that Daddy was down stairs and got to be a part of our big day. We were all jumping up and down (well, I was sortof jumping, maybe bouncing) and clapping and yelling. It was so sweet! As exhausted and sometimes even worthless as I feel, somehow we are getting school accomplished and the year is really going well in terms of learning and fun. Now if only I can get the rest of our life in order (laundry, bills, errands, etc.etc.etc.)!

Happy birthday #2!

Where does the time go? My precious little boy turned FOUR last week. In honor of his big birthday and his big life, I had to do a little post on my FOUR favorite things about #2.

1. You are a walking testimony that God knows what to give us even when we don't know what to ask for. I prayed for a daughter when you were in my tummy. I really believed that I already had a son and I needed you to be a girl. What in the world would my life be like if I always got what I asked for? Your "boyhood" makes our family just what it is. You are a patient, loving, entertaining, amazing brother. I am SO thankful that I have two sons and not just one. What a blessing!

2. Your blue eyes, sweet perfect nose, white teeth, and round face are absolutely breath taking to me. Every single day I look at your face and you make me smile adoringly. You have the most animated facial expressions I have ever seen!

3. You are so sweet and lovable. You are easy to get along with, apologetic, affectionate, and bubbly. The big, amazing spirit that God gave you is contagious and fun and brings so much life to our house!

4. You are fun to homeschool. You learn fast and you are attentive. You are a kinesthetic learner and take everything apart. If anything is broken in our house, I always look for you, and you always smile and confess proudly. You are amazing with numbers and writing. When you feel joy or are excited about an accomplishment, you scream with joy. You melt my heart. Happy birthday!!

D-day

Several of you have asked about the baby's due date. I will be induced on September 22, unless she comes earlier. I am being induced because I had a lot of pre-term dialation with #2 and he came fast. I was 6/7 cm when I went in to be induced, and he came in a couple of hours. He was 10 days early. So they are anticipating the same pattern with #3.

We started a countdown today with the kids. It worked well into our lesson because we are talking about tally marks in math. There are only 21 little tally marks between today and the day I meet my little girl!

Nesting Nazi

I have gone into complete nesting mode...not in a cute way. My poor man has moved 2 pieces of furniture into the baby's room and put together the crib all in one day today. We made this goal to have her room done by the end of August (which by the way is tomorrow!), and I would not budge. He was working on it right up until 20 minutes before he had to go to youth group.

And I'm not just going crazy to get the nursery done. I make these lists for myself that are out of control each day. Yesterday I made a list of 22 things that need to be done. I kindof thought that I might get them done all yesterday. (And if I wasn't pregnant, by golly, I would have!) Of course, the list did not include dishes, laundry, cooking or homeschooling, you know the usual stuff. So I went to bed with 4 accomplished tasks from that crazy list. I think I may have done 4 more today. Some of the things are not necessities, but most of them are. (Like grocery shopping and going to get books for our new unit study that started 2 days ago.) How did I get so far behind? I think when you become a homeschooler, you have to be willing to do things around the house after they go to bed. Most days it takes until 12:30 to finish school. Then lunch. And then I feel like the kids need to get out of the house and at least breathe fresh air, or on a lot of days see a friend or two. By the time that is all over with it seems I am moving toward cooking dinner, then cleaning the kitchen, taking baths, reading books...and then OOPS! It is 8:00. Normally that is when I put up the laundry, clean out the messy car, prepare for the next day of school, etc. Well, at this stage of pregnancy I am done with my day by 8:00. So I guess that is where I am coming up short, just lacking that hour or two at night. Hmm...I guess I'll just have to prioritize. But no matter how much I try to not let it bother me, it just does. I guess I am and always will be fundamentally a little anal.

A year of trials and faith-builders

*I will go ahead and warn you that this entry is revealing, raw, intimate. Read at your own risk! :)

My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We met the first weekend of our first year in college. By the time I turned 18 a few months later, we were head over heels in love. So he has been my only heart throb during my entire adult life. I've heard of a lot of statistics about people who get married young like we did. I'm sure the general consensus would be that I did not know enough about myself or my future to be able to commit myself completely to someone else. But we were extremely blessed to have complete support from our church and family when we got married. And looking back, I really didn't have a clue where I was going or what I was doing, but I did understand the gospel and God's plan for marriage. We were, at least well prepared spiritually.

So Friday night was a big celebration time for us. We left the children with my mom and my sweetie had a surprise date planned for us. (I love surprises. He plans a secret date once or twice a year and it is so exciting!) We went to the most beautiful restaurant. We had a window view of the lake, the landscape was beautiful. Dinner was great. After dinner he wanted me to open my present. I unwrapped it and inside was the most beautiful ring. It has three gorgeous diamonds in a row. I was floored! I have only received jewelry a handful of very special times in my life. I was really not expecting it at all. But what he had to say when I opened the gift was the sweetest moment of the night.

I didn't start this blog until the drama had settled in our life, so I think only 2 people who might be reading know what we have been through this last year. Wow, it's hard to look back and see that so much could go wrong and right in one year. It's definitely been the most eventful year of my life. To try to make a long story a little shorter, I'll start with our last anniversary. The very day of our anniversary I shared with my husband that we were pregnant. A couple of weeks later the morning sickness began. We struggled along, excited but tired until around Halloween when we found out that we had lost the baby. Actually I found out first when I was by myself at a routine check-up. That was really horrible, especially having to call and tell my husband over the phone. We have such a great family and friends who surrounded us during that time. I had no idea how hard it would be to mourn that loss. My #1 named her "Sarah", so that is how we refer to that baby. Of course we never knew for sure that she was a girl. During the following days of sadness is when I found the verse that lead to the hope we found to try again for another baby. "Weeping comes for a night, but joy comes in the morning." I knew that God would eventually give me a little girl that I would name Joy. I have to admit that part of me wondered if Joy would be a Chinese girl that we would later adopt. After a miscarriage, it was hard for me to imagine carrying a healthy baby full term, especially a girl. But this verse gave me peace on tough days. God's grace and love were so real and tangible to me during our loss that there is no way to describe the faith-builder that this time was for me.

In December we had another really challenging time in our family. Through a series of events I discovered that my husband had struggled to keep his mind and eyes pure. Without revealing the details, I'll just say that I also found out that this struggle had almost lead to an affair a couple of years ago. This blow to our marriage was by far the lowest point in my life. I have never felt more insecure or confused. My husband is a godly man with a servant heart. He is typically incredibly loyal and giving. To think that he had succumbed to the temptation to lust after other women or had been very tempted to actually have a physical relationship with one rocked me to the core. I spent about two weeks with no sleep, unless I took medication to help me rest. I woke up many times having nightmares or overwhelming feelings of anxiety. My world had changed forever and it was shocking, to say the least. Of course, looking back I feel extremely blessed that he had not had an affair, nor did he have any addictive behaviors. None the less, we were at a crossroads. A lot had been lost, particularly trust and security.

Leaving out a lot of details, once again my Savior's presence was real and amazing. I was able to forgive out of the overflow of love and forgiveness that I have found in Christ. My husband was so broken and humble, in need of the same mercy that I need and have tasted. We spent a solid week alone. We poured out our hearts to one another. Our marriage was forever changed. Trust is a hard thing to build back. But I came to a point many times where I had to rely on the power of the gospel in his life. Did I really believe that the gospel transforms a broken, contrite heart? And he was the most humbled, broken person I have ever seen. If I did, then I had to let go and trust God when I was not with him. Somehow I did. (Meanwhile, he went to our pastor for counseling, sought out counsel from friends and family, had three accountability partners, and we prayed together often for protection.) We did not underestimate Satan's ability to attack. But God poured his love and protection over us both.

During this time of reconcilliation, I can not describe the oneness that I felt with my husband. And during that time, #3 was conceived. The following months have been incredible. The depth of love and gratitude that I feel for my man and boys is indescribable. The faith that I have in my Lord is tried and true. And here we are at our tenth anniversary, stronger than ever. Only a God that created the universe and holds us in the palm of His hand could accomplish that! It is amazing to look at our marriage and know that we have been through the valleys and are still running the race, and loving it!

I hope that someone will be encouraged by our story or will be able to remember it when they go through a similar circumstance. Also, I want you all to see what an amazing God we serve and how his love can heal even the deepest wounds. I am amazed at how he transforms hearts and lives. I am looking forward to a lifetime with my precious husband as we follow Jesus in faith. "Now to him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be the glory forever."

Avoiding

My oldest son has a mind that RACES! I don't think I could survive one day if I had to have his brain. He doesn't have a particularly hard time paying attention, or at least I don't think he does in comparison to any other 6 year old boy, but when he speaks I sometimes wonder how he so quickly changes his thought pattern.

Case in point, we were just sitting at lunch. Homeschool is over for the day. He was asking me if I had ever seen a Lilo and Stitch movie. Literally 10 seconds of silence pass and he asks, "What does the tooth fairy look like?" I say, "I don't know, I've never seen her." I see the wheels begin to turn. He tells me for this new loose tooth (He is wiggling his 5th loose tooth, first one to be loose on the top) he is going to paint a special bag to put the tooth in. 10 more seconds of silence pass. He says with a big grin, "Well, there must be magic in this world. Otherwise, how could reindeer fly?" I knew he would go from tooth fairy to Santa. I hold my breath waiting on the big question about Santa. 10 more seconds of silence pass. Then he smiles again and says to himself, "Yeah, and if there is really magic, I bet I can find the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe." 10 more seconds of silence pass. And then he says, "Thank you for the food. May I be excused?"

I'm taking a deep sigh of relief right now.

What's my deal?

I am such a people-person. Sometimes I wish that God had designed me a little differently. I know that I am being so disrespectful to Him when I say that. I mean, I am His creation and formed just like He meant for me to be. But if I am honest with myself, I do wish sometimes that I could change some things about myself that are just fundamentally me.

One of those things is my LOVE of being with others. Poor guy, I married this precious man who is so perfectly content to be alone, at least some of the time. Don't get me wrong, I have never met a single person who didn't like him or want to be his friend. His is funny and friendly and loyal, but he is much more content to just be. I am writing all this to say that I am annoyed with myself! Today we had a great day. Nothing special, but good. I got plenty of things done around the house, we got everything done that I wanted to accomplish during school, etc. I even got to see my college roommate for a quick visit as she and her family were passing through town. (This was the highlight of my day. She lives in Paris and we only see each other every few years. I met her 18 month old for the first time today!) Anyway, so my man has plans to have dinner with two friends who both need advice. I was more than happy for him to go and be a good friend. Really, I was! But the minute he walked out the door I was lonely. WHY? I can't explain it. I spent several hours with a good friend, the kids and I had been together all day, and I still wanted more!

Have any of you ever read the Love Languages book by Gary Smalley? Well if you have, you know that there are 5 ways that people give and receive love. Not surprisingly, my top two are physical touch and quality time together. Of course, my husband would rate those on the bottom of his list. He is an acts of service guy. (The other two "languages" are words of affirmation and gift giving.) Since we read that book together 10 years ago when we first got married, my husband is incredible at "speaking my language". I have gotten better at what I expect. I just wish that I could learn to be happier when I am by myself. What's the deal?

More pictures...now I'm on a roll!

There she is! Notice little Miss Nose Picker. Isn't she sweet? That thing on the side of her face is not a really big ear, by the way. There is so much fluid and stuff to cloud the picture. But get a load of her cheeks? I asked if all 34 week olds have cheeks this big and the ultrasound tech said no!

Hello in there!

Yesterday was the most incredible day as a mommy. We had the opportunity to take my mom and the boys to see the baby on a 3D ultrasound. I will admit, we waited later in the pregnancy than recommended, but it was still a special opportunity. I have bonded with my little daughter so much during the last 14 or so weeks since I found out that she is a girl. Each night when the boys are in bed and my man is busy we have our little talks. She kicks right on cue to let me know that she hears me. I sit in her nursery some nights and just stare at her clothes or her bedding and I can almost see my little blue-eyed girl staring up at me. Watching her move and squirm during the ultrasound was really fun. She loves to use those legs and arms. We got one shot of her with her finger all the way up her nostril! (Made the boys proud to know that even girls pick their noses. :) ) And I got the most vivid shot of her "girl part". I know for sure that she is definitely a girl! I just needed to hear that one more time before we go to buy the pink paint.

When we drove home from the doctor, I was so elated. A beautiful girl who looks healthy. It's so awesome after our miscarriage last year to keep getting these positive reports. I am so much more grateful after what we have gone through. I just can not wait to meet this little soul! So we drove up to the house and there was a package for me. A family member sent the sweetest dress, booties and blanket I have ever seen. The dress says, "Fairest among the roses" and has roses sewn into it. I tried to post a picture, but it doesn't do it justice at all. Even my mom wants little #3 to wear this dress home from the hospital instead of the actual dress that I wore home from the hospital! It was just a special night of anticipation and...joy!

Today we were rushing home from the library at 5 pm. I was so overwhelmingly exhausted that I caught myself yawning every 10 seconds. I began to feel a little anxious about every life that depends so heavily on me right now. I thought of my baby that is sucking up all of my energy and depends on me for everything. I looked at my little boys in the back seat that are depending on me for their education, security, and SO much more. I thought of my poor husband who has given a million percent to help me out and is now requesting some "intimate" time with him. I began to feel like I just didn't have any more to give to any of them! I am emotionally, physically and spiritually having the life sucked right out of me! And instantaneously God allowed this song to play from one of my favorite cds. The lyrics said, "Take my body and build it up. May it be broken as an offering of love. I have nothing, nothing without You." The Spirit used this song to automatically turn my exhaustion into pure joy. I began to think what an honor it is that these four people depend on me for things that NO ONE ELSE can provide for them! God chose me alone. I came home feeling still tired, but truly excited about the tasks before me. I really do love being a wife and mom and I am so thankful for a God who never ceases to soften my heart and show me how blessed I am!