Our third baby

Today has been a hard one for me. Today marks the day that we probably would have been meeting our third baby. We found out last year on our 9th anniversary in August that we were expecting. I had what felt like a normal pregnancy mixed with fatigue and morning sickness until my 13th week check-up. When we went to the check-up we found out that our baby had died a few weeks before. The baby was due on May 13th, but they had planned to deliver a couple of weeks early. I had a super quick delivery with #2 and they wanted to make sure that I made it to the hospital. There are no words to describe how excited we all were to share our life with this baby. Today we would have met her. We all thought the baby was a girl and we were leaning towards the name Elizabeth after my mom. All of us except for #1 who mysteriously and affectionately called her "Sarah".

I don't know what to say except that even during the midst of celebrating the baby inside of me, I still miss this little life. Here is my blog entry from the day after we found out that she had died...
***
October 30
I am amazed at how empty I feel already. It's like I have been deflated, emotionally and physically. Today I am thinking of all the dreams that we are having to let go of. Unfortunately, in this case at least, I am a planner. From the moment we saw the positive pregnancy test on our anniversary in August, I began dreaming of our future. Sometimes this personality trait does more harm than good, such as now, but I am what I am!
I had dreamed of how the boys would be with their little baby. I could see the big brother begin to emerge in little #2. I already began bubbling over with excitement for the new smells that would come into our house. The baby smells, the lotions, sweet baby breath, etc. I could not wait to see what these new little blue eyes would look like as they stared at me. Would her hair be curly or straight? Would she crave physical touch like #1, or be fiercely independent like #2. I wondered... Nine months sure would be a long time, I thought. Next week, I would make a paper chain to help #1 count down the weeks. Now that we were down to twenty something and he was wondering when the baby would "come out", he needed help seeing how long we would have to wait. Foolishly, I even had a beautiful nursery planned in my head. Light yellow and green with bumble bees. A little wicker hive would hang from the ceiling with sheer fabric hanging down and around the crib. I would recover the rocker in black and white gingham fabric and I had seen the sweetest white curtains with a green bumble bee pattern. If she was a girl, lots of flower pots. My mom and I had picked out a green and white toile pattern for her infant seat and playpen. I was ready to have some new things for this little one. Maybe deep down, I thought she was a girl and the navy and tan patterns on everything would not be as feminine as she or I would prefer! I thought I would take black and white photos of her feet and hands and hang them above the dresser.

Isn't it amazing how much we can fit into our imaginations when we are excited? I think of how painful it is to realize that God has a different plan for our family and all of these dreams will not come true right now. I think of all the events that would happen over the next months leading to early May and how each one revolved around nourishing and preparing for our third child. This would have been the most exciting Christmas, as we would have our "big" ultrasound the week before the holiday break and we would show everyone the video and reveal the gender before opening presents. The list could go on and on. I am so deeply sad.

This morning I read Psalm 30, which said, "...Weeping may linger for the night, but joy comes with the morning." First of all, again the dreamer in me decided right away that if God gives us a little girl some day, we should name her Joy. We have always loved that name and there it is in the verse He gave me. I again feel overcome with the love God has given me through His Son. I trust Him with my life and my soul, dreams and all. Thank you Father that you will never leave me. Thank you that you have shared your love with me in such a way that I can still rejoice in you even when life is so hard and sad. I love you and draw near to you, and I know you will heal my broken heart. Your grace is sufficient for me, today and tomorrow and always.
"Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7
Make this verse rich and alive in my heart, dear Lord.

One more thing...tonight when #1 prayed he said, "Dear God, Please help the baby to come back to life again... and I thougt, "Oh, boy! I'll have to break it to him gently!"...then he continued, "Please help the baby to come back to life again...in heaven." That's right my little sweetheart. Alive again in heaven!
***

Tomorrow we go to the doctor to find out if our fourth child is a girl or a boy. If she is a girl, we will name her Joy and post Psalm 30 in her room. Oh, and I am proud to say that my brother has since had a baby girl and he named her Greyce Elizabeth.