The Power of Words

“Jesus’ sacrifice reaches the depth of who we are where fear and doubt make a home.”

our pastor

The other day Jaybird was mean to his little brother. I overheard his thoughtless words and sat him down at the kitchen table for a chat. The very minute he came to the table, I could see the shame all over his face. I started with, "What were you thinking?" Isn't that a lovely way to start a conversation? And as he began to explain his own frustrations, I became increasingly angry over his sin. I have made it a point over the years to stop myself if I feel anger over my children's sin. After all, sin should come as no surprise. And, anger isn't a good road sign to Christ.

But this particular instant I fell prey to my impatience and exhaustion. As he told me the details, I offered a solution. But I didn't stop there. I took his little wound, and I picked. I picked and picked. "Really, you should never do that." "Why did you do that?" And on and on. And after a while, he bled. He welled up and finally said, "I am a ridiculous boy. I should just die." I have never been so poigniantly face to face with my own shortcomings.

Those words. What he must have been feeling. Jaybird is very, very sensitive. He knows how to register even the slightest body language. He has been the deliverer of phrases such as, "Am I being a burden to you?" He translates everything, all the time. When he said those words, we just stared at each other. We were both exposed.

I felt silent the rest of the day. I have never been so, so sorry for my ugly sinfulness. I swam in God's grace. And, providencially, that night I heard Susan Hunt speak about the spiritual legacy we are leaving to our children and their heirs. The way our children perceive us, feel us, hear us is weaved into the fabric of their being. They will never live apart from their childhood experiences. And the negative ones lay closest to the surface- not where they can call them out, but closer, in the crux of who they are. What a painful, painful truth at the end of a rough day.

I am so thankful today to have a Savior that can take anything and make it beautiful. He promises to heal and restore the hopeless and ugly(me).
My husband sent me a verse today, in light of more painful conviction from the marriage retreat, that said,

"He has brought me to his banquet hall. His banner over me is love." Song of Solomon 4:2

I have enjoyed many hugs and kisses and deep talks with Jaybird as a response to this situation. God has given me a chance through these moments to set the record straight and confess to Him and my son how terribly selfish and impatient I can be. I am amazed that all God requires of me is a "broken and contrite spirit". He takes my utter brokenness and mysteriously reveals His beauty and love. And His does this daily, not just once. I am always in need of more grace.

"The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume as it is with what he vowed to make it."
-James A. Barrie