Monday, May 21, 2012


This weekend has been extremely difficult.  Really missing our "old life" and really feeling out of place here.  So many fun things going on for the children.  I do not know why it has hit me so hard.  But I have been really struggling.  The people who surround us here have such radically different worldviews, it is sometimes very hard to understand.  Maybe I am just weary from putting in so many hours in the car, getting the children to the classes/places that they need to go.  But at the same time, I want to be in the car.  Because if not, that means I am here, often times feeling lonely and sometimes still reeling from the fact that I am living here.  I have plenty to fill my days, yet I am completely out of my element.  And often times Andy is working, or falling asleep as I am desperately trying to explain all this to him.  Except this weekend when he got a major ear full.  And really, what good does that do?

I feel really selfish and guilty for letting this move effect me in such a deep way, STILL, after over a year.  I know there are people with far, FAR greater woes than mine.  But still, in my heart and mind, it feels like a real trial.  In fact, it feels like one of the most difficult trials in my life.  I am looking forward to the fall when the kids and I will be involved in such an amazing school.  I just hope we can keep up with the pace of a very challenging school, outside activities, and 2 hours a day in the car.  It's a lot of responsibility and a little overwhelming to think about.  But I think we can do it and I look forward to the change, even with its challenges.

It just seems so very hard to combine what we love into one life together.  And in my own weakness and selfishness, I am tired of all that this requires of me.  I feel so vulnerable sharing these feelings.  But someone out there may take comfort in the fact that even the sweetest relationships are filled with difficulties, if we are honest with ourselves.  Marriage, with all of its beauty, can be very hard.  Life, with all of its beauty, can be very hard.  This is the essence of wearing flesh and living here (not here as in rural Alabama, but here on earth). :)

Nonetheless, I know that being a Christ-follower is about seeking His glory and pushing through the difficulties, with eyes fixed on Jesus and not myself.  In Him and through Him I can move forward and give of myself as He asks me to.  He is the prize and not my current happiness.  Seeking his joy and peace today.  And until I receive it, marching forward into whatever today brings, knowing that it is one step closer to Jesus.  Praying He can be glorified in this messy life of mine!  Lord, help me live out these words...

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down His life for us.  And we ought to lay down our lives for each other."
I John 3:16

"May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me."
John 17:23

1 comment:

Wanting What I Have said...

Oh sweet friend...I FEEL your pain!!! I know how profound and deep and real the feelings are. Just tonight I was talking with some girls and one commented on the blessing it is to be in situations like yours (and mine) because it keeps us on our knees. It's hard and it keeps us submitting, weak in our flesh...needing Jesus. I've acted so ugly these last few weeks - an ear full - ha! I wish I could say that's all I've done. We raised our arms Sunday to receive the benediction and I felt SO unworthy - SOOOOO unworthy - so messed up - and I knew Jesus was saying, "this is the Gospel." Hang in there. Keep keeping on - with your eyes fixed on the author and perfector of our faith. He is good. He will see you (and me) through. And take heart, He has overcome our sin and selfishness. Wish I could reach through the screen and hug you! xoxo

PS Thank you for being vulnerable!