Any way, the day did not go well. The "sound guy" forgot to come. Therefore, we had 125 people in a big gym with no microphones. And much more heart breaking for an aesthetics person like me, no Christmas music. In trying to find someone to help with sound, there was no time to bring the Christmas trees and wreaths to the gym from the sanctuary. Again, probably a bigger bummer to me than anyone else. The lunch tables were beautifully decorated and the food was yummy. The storyteller delivered the beautiful story of Christmas, along with the gospel. But the crafts...oh the crafts. That was the worst part. I chose a craft that was much too time consuming for the hour allotted. As a result, the many women that volunteered to help the children were feverishly making Christmas pillows. That's right...PILLOWS. I chose pillows. Seventy five pillows needed to be completed, if you include the children's from my church.
And worse than that was the grumbling and complaining that I overheard from the women. I won't mention the comments, but it was bad. This was the worst part to handle. I will admit to anyone that I am just a tired thirty-two year old Mom of three young children trying to remember to wash the sheets every now and then and give my children a vegetable or two a day. At church, I am a volunteer like everyone else! The criticism broke my heart. If you are a pastor's wife, I pray that you can truly see this position as an act of worship, all done for your Savior and not for anyone or anything else. (I think of that song "I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus' name...)
When Jaybird and I got in the car he said, "Mama, why do you have to be in charge of everything at church?" As we drove home I had no desire to go back. Ever. I walked in the house and told my husband, "I am done! DONE!" The next day, Sunday, Lydie woke up with a runny nose. I was so thankful. For the first time in years I had no desire to be involved in "corporate worship". In defense and a feeling hurt as well, my husband said, "You stay home with the baby, honey. I think you've had enough church for the week."
So I pouted. All my sacrificial work and time away from family time and this is what I get in return? (Not to mention some other doubts.) God wouldn't let me stay in a funk too long. I think he is showing me the true meaning of grace...again. If I can't show love and kindness towards those who have hurt me without cause then do I REALLY grasp what He has done for me? I want to experience the gospel deeper and taste of its richness. Here is my opportunity. I prayed for those women. I know they are dearly loved by God, just like he loves me. I know that the church is not a "museum for saints, but a hospital for sinners." Slowly he is warming my heart with the power of His love and truth. I still hurt, but I believe in the power of Christ within me to set me free from anger and bitterness as I turn to Him. Being a part of the Body of Christ is not always a beautiful endeavor, even in the best of circumstances which is what I feel we have. But then again, I'm sure God could say the same thing about loving me. As C. S. Lewis says, "We are all fallen creatures and all very hard to live with."
6 comments:
Wow, those are some tough lessons you are learning. I've faced many similar issues in trying to work out time between home and church. It is tough, especially with young children.
I'd suggest to pray with a fellow Christian woman from your church about your feelings. It will strengthen you and her as you hold each other up in the body of Christ. And once again, aren't you thankful for a loving husband who understands and helps when you need a break!
That is a hard lesson to learn. It is hard to put your heart out there for it to ge tstepped on. But you are so right. hat a better way to grasp what Jesus Christ did for us.
As Jackis said...pray for those ladies. You know it is hard to stay upset with someone you are praying for. And when you are your sweet self...that is a shining example!!
I can identify so well with your feelings. I expect more from my sisters and brothers in Christ than from anyone else, and somehow it often seems they have been the ones to sting the worst. I guess that is what happens when you love someone - you make yourself vulnerable, because like you quoted, we are all of us difficult at times.
I had a very similar thing happen to me a few years ago at my old church, where I grew up. A LOT of effort on my part, and more implied criticism than I could graciously take from the woman who asked me to do it. Revelation: I was doing it more for HER than as an act of worship. You could say I set myself up for that one! But that relationship never seemed the same to me afterwards... I found myself "guarding" myself from someone that was capable of hurting me. I've done that kind of thing (guarding myself, guarding my heart) more than once. Sometimes I think, "I have enough... I am fine without that relationship, that needy, painful relationship... I don't need it." My left brain says that is only logical... my right brain says, "maybe SHE needs it..." I still don't have the answers, except to pray.
Women's ministry can be a great thing, but the older I get, the more careful I am with it, too... I find that on the whole, men seem to bring a balance to our "female-ness" and when they remain outside of something like WIC, the cattiness can pop up and the claws can come out from time to time. I've watched people be burned and I've been burned myself just enough to learn to keep both eyes open. I don't know, maybe that's not good.
I'm currently on the WIC council, so I don't mean to say "give up!" No, I haven't done that at all, but it sounds like we both are finding out how to do it more carefully and perhaps more wisely. If you were here with me, I'd make you a cup of tea and tell you about some things going on right now that I'm learning from... hard lessons, but much needed.
There is a verse (Psalms I think?) that says, "God, you are more awesome than your holy places." I love, love, love my church, and I love the people there, and the women, and the children... but IT IS NOT GOD. There is a mellowing that has happened in my life as I've aged and hopefully, matured. That youthful zeal I had once has been tempered to a warmth instead of a blaze. God is making me more comfortable to touch, to live with, to be with. I've learned that these other things have a place in my life, in my heart, but I have to be so very careful not to substitute the gift for the Giver, nor to confuse or blend the two somehow in my minds nor worship my "Cause" instead of The One Whom my "Cause" ought to be serving.(easier done than we'd like to think!). I think that is exactly what you were saying here today, too.
From these things, we also learn the importance of "treating others how we want to be treated" - a lesson not easily forgotten when you have been mistreated, for sure!!
This is too long! Don't feel like you have to publish it... it might be too personal, anyway! ;) The last thing I want to do is discourage anyone... it's actually a very encouraging, strengthening process, this maturing. But it's not easy. Oh, the things we must learn, things we never imagined!!! It's a good thing we can't see the future!
I just wrote you this HUGE comment, then... it was gone, poof! I guess God had no intention of it getting to you.
Let me just say that I can truly relate to your post today. I wish you were here, we could have such a long chat over tea, and we'd both feel better when you left. :)
Church members can hurt us like no others are able. We are vulnerable when we love. The older I get, the more I see the importance of balance. I am an extremist and in my "young mommy" days I was quite zealous for Women's Ministry and all that...
Through the years, I've had experiences very similar to yours, and I've learned that "God is more awesome than His holy places." Our trust is in HIM, and we are to worship Him, not our Cause, not even the Church. But it's a hard lesson, isn't it? I'm still learning that...
Just this year, I've experienced disappointment in a large way - perhaps "disillusioning" would be more appropriate a word. What are you supposed to do with that??? I tend to guard my heart, keep my eyes open, be careful. Not highly recommended. I love how God comes in just when I'm steeling myself, washing away those feelings unexpectedly. But we still have a responsibility to be "innocent as doves, and wise as serpents," isn't that the saying? There certainly are seasons for everything...
Darn that discernment. Not my forte. :)
We have a children's book with a famous line in it we quote often around here... "Do you want to be careful, or do you want to be friends?"
Indeed.
I have no firm answers to that. I'm still searching myself.
Church is a wonderful gift, WIC is a good thing, church members are gifts to our family... BUT THEY ARE NOT GOD. And they are not perfectly good. I tell my girls frequently to take things, relationships, for what they are, recognize that, enjoy them, be thankful for them as they are, and hold them with an open hand. I am trying to do that myself.
I tend to be zealous, extreme in my passions or loyalties. My expectations are high. But I'm learning to love, instead of expect, to be wise instead of simple in my passions. We're all idol-factories, aren't we? God is gracious to smash them where He finds them in my life, but it's usually a shock to me... I don't even know they are there until I'm rocked. I think I'll be learning til I die... it's not an easy one.
I think people who work so hard in the church, like you do, feel the same way. I pray that the Lord brings encouragement to you and heals your feelings. I think Satan has a field day with us Christian sometimes.... he knows how to hurt us or how low to go... ya know?! He can use our fellow Christian brothers and sisters. So wrong. I will definitely keep you in my prayers today!
Oh boy, WOW! God's devine appointment brought me here today, I am positively certain of that. I have no idea who you are, never been here before, just sort of stumbled in, but your post and these comments are EXACTLY what God has been trying to teach me. Okay God, I'm listening now!!
I have become so hardened towards my church, the women in particular, over the past couple months as a result of situations just like this. I find myself seemingly doing everything far too often and have allowed myself to become bitter towards the others because of it. It's gotten to the point where I am "not feeling well" and stay home from more Wednesday night services than I care to admit. I am like Jennifer said, a zealous extremist. I want things done with precision and excellence and I throw my whole self into everything I am involved in setting insurmountable expectations for myself and everyone else only to be ridiculed for some aspect that doesn't go just so. That hurts. A lot. It's caused me to put up a big ol' barbed wire security fence around my heart. You don't get hurt as much if you never let anyone close. Yikes, not exactly a Christ-like attitude, is it??
"Love instead of expect," I like that Jennifer.
Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences, God has truly used you to begin a healing work in me.
Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. James 5:16
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