Whew, made it!

I have had an exhausting week. My normal rest has alluded me due to a waking Lydie (which is very rare, so I shouldn't complain), a hard-to-put-down-book, and frenzied thoughts. I do not do well without rest, especially when I have become so accustomed to the right amount of sleep. I get a little lost and wander around in a daze. Or worse, I panic. Andy traveled four of the five school days last week for work. But now he's back, thank the Lord. When he's not around I do not function properly either.

On Friday morning, after another almost sleepless night, I trudged out of bed. Defeated. I said to myself, "I absolutely can not home school any more." Before breakfast I had already imagined the daily one-hour trek I was willing to take when we move to the farm to get the kids to the school of my choice. Christian, classical, small. Case-closed. I had just told my friend yesterday how much I love home schooling. But no matter, today was different. I. WAS. DONE.

Then our morning turned around. In my sleepiness I had nothing to say, no complete sentences to form. So I listened. I listened to J rattle off his list of books that he wants, mostly pertaining to things in history that he wants to explore deeper. I listened to my three children laughing and playing together in the other room while I got dressed. My girl told me with arms wrapped around my neck and lips two centimeters from my ear that "when you are a Grand mommy and I am a Mommy we will call you Pretty Pumpkin". And over lunch the children decided to talk about grown-up times and tell me again of all their hopes and dreams. Toot added that I should be "an artist when I grow up". They have no idea that these are the days of my adulthood. We're just coasting along together, dreaming and learning.

I can't do it. I can't walk away from this home school lifestyle, from all this time together. Sometimes trying to balance house work, being a help mate to Andy, bills, and the stresses of living in a broken world- they all seem just impossible to juggle with the full time job of educator- at home, with no time alone, or "benefits". On the bad days I think I might be insane and regret all that I have taken on. I think one day I might wonder if I might have been able to be a better Mom with more time alone to regroup. I think about how if they were in a classroom they wouldn't still be waiting on their teacher to get the day started at 9:30. (On those days we have a sick day. Like Friday.)

But deep down I feel called. I can rest in that truth. God's guidance is certain and steady. He will equip me. And because this is what He has chosen, I see good results. On most days I am fulfilled, albeit exhausted and sometimes ready to quit. Isn't everyone? I need to continue to be realistic with my expectations. Following Christ, developing lasting relationships, sacrificing to make His name great (beginning here at home)-will often times lead me to physical discomfort. It's not always pretty and certainly not easy. It's an endless cycle of getting a little too independent and then coming back to the same question, "What do I expect from this life of mine?" And then my mind leaves that question and thinks ahead to heaven.

"But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy."

Matthew 6:20

PS Lizzie, if you are reading this post, you made my day on Friday. Your reaction to the painting made my heart leap. It felt so, so good to do something for someone out from under this roof that I knew would make a lasting impression. You are such a joy to have as a friend! Giving you my gift was the highlight of my day!!