The green-eyed monster

On Fridays I spend the entire morning with just the baby. She and I often come home and play with toys and do housework together. On rare Fridays we go to the park. And sometimes we spend the entire morning running errands. Regretfully, today was an errand day. After the fourth stop, Lydie was grouchy. The fourth and fifth store that we entered were filled with the sounds of my unhappy, tired baby. At the top of her lungs she clearly yelled and screamed, "Mama! Mama! Buckle! Buckle! Puuuu!" Translation: "Mama, unbuckle me and pick me up, NOW!" These tantrums do not embarrass me as much as they did with my first two children. I am not sure if I am more determined, more humbled, or more tired. So I tried to keep my cool, console her and pray quietly. I began to weigh out my options...exasperate/productiveness versus giving in/putting off these errands yet another day. I chose to stick it out.

As I was waiting in the check out line with a few spring items in hand, I saw HER. A young mom in her expensive exercise attire. She had a beautiful figure, apparently not a stranger to exercise. Her make-up and hair were flawless. Even her exercise outfit looked expensive. She said out loud that she was shopping for her little daughter, the same age as mine. I deduced her daughter was in day care, because she said that she was on her way to work. She looked invigorated, like she had all the time in the world to style her hair just right for exercise class and all the money in the world to blow at Gymboree. I secretly wondered if her daughter would have been quiet and well-behaved, I was sure she would be. For about an hour I allowed the green-eyed monster of jealousy to seep his way through my thought life. I longed for her life during that period of time, deeply longed for it.

As any parent of a very determined toddler can attest, life is challenging. There seems to be no waking moment of peace (except when she is adorable and kissing everyone, but those memories would not spring to mind at that moment). When the baby is sleeping I am trying desperately to catch up on the housework and laundry that I did not do while she was awake and to love on my sweet, patient boys. Lydie requires a lot of attention and even more discipline. She seems to understand beyond her years what she wants and how she feels with only a little verbal outlet to express herself. She is determined and stubborn and willful. I love her for it, but she needs constant directing (or re-directing). When I add the homeschooled preschooler, the first grader that requires so much time in our car, my wonderful marriage, and the ministries outside of our family, well , I am tired.

I am very thankful, in hindsight, that I met this lady. She lead me to have a serious heart-to-heart with the Lord. Occasionally, I forget why I am doing all of This to begin with. I look around at the sacrifices and constant work and I feel defeated. Gently, gently He reminds me. He doesn't say, "Don't compare your life to someone else's!" He doesn't condemn me. He isn't impatient with me, even though he should be as I have to revisit this issue every now and then. He just reminds me of His love for me. He reminds me that He died for me. He reminds me of His grace. And as I am basking in His love and sacrifice I am renewed. I find the "Why?", and it is simply that I want to reflect Him. I will never, ever do it perfectly and my life may not look like everyone else's. But I just want to obey Him because I trust Him and love Him. And I find joy and thankfulness and purpose in my calling. I am not implying that being a stay-at-home mom and wife is a higher calling than someone else's. The issue here is certainly not to work or not to work. The issue is two fold: obedience (God has called me to be at home with my children) & sin in the form of being jealous and covetting, for which I am guilty.

There are a few aspects of our busy life that might be hindering us from being more fruitful and content. I need to spend some time taking a good look at what we are doing, and why I am so tired. But the most important thing I discovered, once again, this week is that self-pity can not survive a good, hard look at the gospel. Prayer and the Word, I am completely hopeless without them.