God has sortof heaped unmerited blessings on my marriage over the course of the last year or so. I've spoken before about it. But here again, He continues to graciously deepen my understanding and desire for my husband. I was speaking with a friend today who is at her wit's end with her husband. He doesn't seem to understand how she needs to be loved, and in the process of "enlightening" him, it seems she has hurt him and he is feeling inadequate. My heart was so full of sorrow as she poured out her aches and pains and frustration. I remember very vividly feeling contempt and even hatred at times for my husband years back. I remember actually asking a friend to pray that I would be able to be happy and kind when he walked in the door in the evenings. For a while, I really did not look forward to seeing him at all.
There were several things that lead to my sinfulness. I was really angry because I felt like he didn't cherish me, that he valued his work more than me, that he didn't care about what I was interested in, that he didn't really want to listen to me, etc. I am ashamed to say that there were times when I would let my mind wonder why I married him and not someone else. And worst of all, I would allow myself to fantasize about what it would have been like to be married to the guy that I dated in high school. After all, he ADORED me. Surely if I were married to him things would be different. Surely he would still be swooning when he thought of me. Surely he would not stay late at work, he would be rushing home at night to see me and listen to me and love me, just the way I needed him to love me, of course.
Now I plainly know that the idea of any human being fulfilling what I desired is a joke. I was looking to flesh to fulfill what only the Spirit of God could do. I was full of anger and disappointment and discontent. God was so gracious to be patient with me and little by little to show me my sin and His love. As I posted on August 28th, it took completely breaking us down and building us anew for me to fully have the marriage that I had always wanted.
Marriage is certainly hard. Men and women have to work hard to understand one another. We have to be basking in the true Living Water in order to be able to properly love our spouses. We have to find time and energy to do all of these things, which of course are in high demand and short supply during this stage of life. But I was reminded at Easter of the rewards. We have the great priveledge of representing the Bride and Groom in our marriages. Just as the doors were swept open on our own wedding day and our men stood at the end of the aisle with their breath taken away, that's what Christ has promised that we will do to Him when He comes to gather His church. He is so captivated by us, even in our sin, because of what He has done in restoring us through his death, that we will be presented to him pure and faultless and breath taking. My husband and I were talking about how awesome it is to have a relationship together that points to the true Marriage of Jesus and the Church! He told me the night before Easter that the whole idea makes him "intoxicated with love for me". Pretty awesome. We serve an amazing, merciful God!
"You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. How delightful is your love..." Song of Songs 4:9-10a
2 comments:
Go is so good! Thanks for this post! It's a beautiful reminder to me of what all God has accomplished in my own marriage.
WOW! Thank you for sharing and being so honest. I think all wives feel that at one time or another. Marriage is very hard. ESPECIALLY without God. He is what marriage is all about. He brings the beauty and peace to it. I am glad you are at that place in your marriage.
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