Smoochy poo

Today we walked in the kitchen where #2 was eating Ritz crackers. He noticed Rachael Ray on the back of the box. He was giving the box little peck kisses. He caught us watching him and said,"She's pwetty." I can only imagine what life will be like with him as a teenager. With those blue eyes, his affectionate/"touchy feely" personality and his charm I shudder to think! We've call him our "smoochy-poo" because of the dozens of kisses that he plants on #3. Hopefully girls will begin to intimidate him before long. A mommy can only hope!

A little snip-it from last year

Today I was looking back at my journal from last year. I found this entry which I wrote during the midst of last year's holiday season. Our entire family had the stomach bug and one day later my marriage came under major fire. Any way, here it is. I hope it can encourage someone out there who is bogged down and weary.

December 22, 2005
Choosing joy...that's the theme of the day. Yesterday I was prepared to enter a very negative blog. I was struggling with so many heavy burdens, one of which is another virus creeping through our family. I am weary from sickness.

But I woke up with a fresh perspective. My family's wellbeing relies much on my attitude. "If mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy!" This quote is very true under our roof, especially when someone is sick. I definitely set the tone. I have found that when things are particularly yucky and everyone is down, I make or break the day around here. Yesterday I was sulking. I was asking God, "Is it too much to ask for healthy kids?" and "Please...Give me a break!!", etc.

This morning I realized that the here and now, sickness and weariness, this is where God has chosen to put me, and he asks me to be full of joy, hope and love towards Him and my family. If my happiness hinges on my comfort and getting my own way, then I need to realign my heart with God's. He has never promised me physical comfort or my own way. He promises me joy upon joys if I can rely on Him and remind myself of who I am in Him, what He has done for me by saving me, and the blessings he has given me in sharing my journey with my children and husband. Really, His grace is so amazing.

I guess through the cough syrup, vomit, Motrin and countless hours of backrubs and Thomas the Train movies, I have found the meaning of Christmas. The wonder of feeling completely loved and honored among circumstances that are bleak and out of my control. Doesn't God work in mysterious ways? I love him so much! Merry Christmas!

I thought I was feeling kinda icky...

so I went in to the doctor this afternoon, which is very rare for me. I don't like to take medicine and I don't like to waste my time going to the dr. If my hubby is going to babysit, I would rather be shopping alone or grabbing a Starbucks with a friend! Any way, good thing I went. My little aches and pains turned out to be strep throat and a urinary tract infection. The upside is that I spent 5 quiet hours in the bed which was so refreshing, even with the aches and pains. I think I'll go back to bed. Back to my busy, wonderful, hectic full-time mommy job tomorrow!

86 shots

Today was my first attempt at taking the kids to get a professional group portrait. The morning started out pretty smoothly. The kids were all in great moods, the boys got fresh hair cuts, the baby was grinning from ear to ear all morning, her nursing schedule was working out great with the appointment. Then we left the house...

Long story short, we got lost. There is a 20 minute grace period which we did not make. So we sat in the lobby for an hour to be "worked in". I laid my head down and prayed the entire time. We were counting on these pictures as Christmas presents for half of our family! One lady even asked me if I was sick! Thankfully, an hour later I heard our name called. Thank you, Lord! The baby was in a great mood during the photo shoot, but did not crack a smile because the photographer was squeaking toys and dancing like a fool, and she was perplexed. You should have seen me changing all three kids clothes during the middle of the session. Funny thing is that after all of that trouble I hated all of the pictures in the second outfit! My #1 was the most interesting model. He was embarassed of his snaggle tooth. He's only lost one top middle tooth. He was doing the most bizarre smilish crazy faces. The photographer even asked, "What's up with his tongue?" I think he was trying to use his tongue to hide his gap. I never got a decent shot of him.

After the photo shoot, we sat at a computer screen to order the pics. #3 needed to be nursed so I proceeded to breastfeed right there in front of my 20ish year old male photographer. Meanwhile, #1 wiggled persistently and #2 asked me 15 times to help him with his shoe. It turns out that out of 86 shots I only really loved one. And then I don't even have the energy to post the ordeal we went through during the next hour getting the photos. We also had an interesting lunch at Moe's while we waited which consisted of lots of napkins. Blah, blah, blah. I actually heard a women in the phot place whisper to herself, "He is late again! (I'm sure she was referring to her husband.) If she can do it with three kids, I can do it with one.) It was my only moment of pride all day. Maybe the circumstances were nuts, but I did it all by myself. And so what if it took 86 shots to get one good picture of the three of them! And so what if afterwards I felt like I had run a marathon! I'm laughing so hard right now recalling all of the chaos. Life is so funny in retrospect.

My kind of weekend

This weekend I only had 2 of my 3 little birds in the nest. My #1 was inducted into pre-manhood...he had his first hunting trip with his Daddy and Poppy. He hasn't gotten back yet, but Daddy says they had great success. He rode a four wheel ATV for the first time and he spent lots of time in the woods and saw at least four deer and other animals. He learned how to "fart" on command or at the pull of a finger. (Nice) He ate lots of "meat and potatoes". He slept in a sleeping bag beside his Daddy. He had a blast!

Meanwhile, #3 and #3 and Nana and I enjoyed a more feminine weekend here at home. (Poor #2, he was outnumbered 3:1)We went to the mall, ate out and let the house get as messy as we pleased. We enjoyed quiet nights with the Christmas tree lit and a fire in the fireplace while we recooperated from the shopping. My mom (aka Nana) and I had a margarita together at dinner on Saturday and #2 ate pizza and pbj sandwiches all weekend. We were all thrilled.

Today my mom left early this morning. I only had two little ones to get ready for church and my sweetheart was not here to tempt me to sit and drink coffee with him. It was amazing how easy it was to just get two of us ready and out the door! We had to stop at the gas station and still got there early. Then after church #2 and I had a date at Chili's, followed by a trip to Home Depot. We got more paint! Paint for the boys' room and for the dining room. The little week between Christmas and New Years is going to be a painting week in our house! Okay, little #2 is begging me to play trains with him...more later!

Balance

I am so frustrated with myself right now! I have just discovered (or rather God has revealed to me once again) a sin pattern in my life that needs fixing. It's the cycle of the Christian walk I guess, but frustrating none the less. I am an extremist. What I mean is that I find life hard to balance. I have struggled with perfectionism for a long time, well since I can remember. I don't say that light-heartedly like some women do. Many women call themselves perfectionist and what they are really trying to say is that they like to be neat or win games or whatever. When I say that I am a perfectionist I mean that when chaos begins to ensue, I seek order and will go to great lengths to achieve it!

Right now I am feeling that way about housework. I am looking back on this week with regret because I spent so much time trying to create the perfect house. I cleaned up toys multiple times a day, knowing fully well that the boys would create new messes. I just needed a little time to look around and see order. I put the baby in her seat or swing more that she needed to be just so that I could make sure my bed was made, each pillow perfectly fluffed and placed. Deep down I knew no one cared or would see that bed and in addition, my little guys would eventually jump on it and my work would be in vain. I told my sweet little #2 three times this week that I didn't have time to play with him when there could have been time, but I wanted to organize something or get just one more thing done that wasn't really necessary. I am frustrated with myself.

So here I am again, at the foot of the cross, asking my Savior for forgiveness and my children for forgiveness. If there is anything that I want to accomplish in life for the sake of Christ, it is raising children who know the Lord and who know that they have a Mommy who values her time with her family more than anything else in her life. I want them to grow up knowing how precious and unique they are , and the only way that will happen is if I am spending time with them and finding moments to communicate that to them. (Not just at bedtime or mealtime, but during the real life moments when we are living together!) I want them to have balanced memories of Mommy working as a housewife, Mommy playing and laughing and hugging them, and them playing alone or together. If I parented them during their entire childhood like I did this week, then none of these goals would be accomplished! And I doubt they would look back on that type of childhood with joy. I don't think any adult says, "I had the best childhood! My mom blew me off constantly, but the yellow in our kitchen was a beautiful color and our clothes always smelled of lavender!" Sounds ridiculous, but when I prioritize like this it is just that silly!

Lord Jesus, give me balance in my life and help me to let go of the control I want to have. Help me to find order in knowing I am doing your will and not in my own selfish desires. Help me to treasure the beautiful blessings that you have given me in my children.

A few all-nighters

This week has been quite a challenge. My husband has been very sick since Wednesday. I never realized how much I rely on him until he was completely unavailable! Whew, I went to bed EXHAUSTED every night this week! Tuesday, the night before he came down with this awful virus, I got up at 3:30 am to feed #3 and decided to stay up and devote 20 minutes to each room. Somehow the house was out of control, and then we had pulled out Christmas decorations and only half decorated. It took me until 6:30 to catch up and make each room look like I wanted it to. (Keep in mind on the main floor we only have 3 rooms that I could work in...living room, dining room and kitchen!) I thought I would catch a nap the next day or sleep in and let Daddy take over. Then he got sick!!

But now I feel rested and I am ready to do another silly all-nighter. My precious husband painted our kitchen for my birthday present last week. Sadly, I do not like the color. I picked it out, so his feelings aren't hurt. But I am insisting on re-painting it myself because I feel so badly about it! I picked a coffee brown. I thought it would be rich and soothing. I have a Tuscan-type painting with brown, blue and yellows. It turns out the brown doesn't remind me of yummy coffee or fresh bread, but more of poop! Maybe I've changed one too many diapers, but I can't stand it! So I am going to paint it our tried-and-true yellow. It's my favorite shade, "Arizona Tan" by Behr. I love it. It's a bright, warm yellow. Not a butter, but a warm tone. I plan to use the coffee color in our bedroom. And we are also about to paint our dining room a pumpkiny, rust color. I found a great piece of art at Kohl's today for the dining room...49.99!

Why have I chosen to do house projects now?? I just had a birthday and my generous family all caught my hint that "I don't really need any thing...but if you must, I'll take cash for home decor." We moved in this house at the end of July when I was 8 months pregnant and I haven't been able to really make it mine. Well, between my sweetie's family and mine I received over $400! And I thought birthdays were a thing of the past by 30! (I am currently 31 and loving it!) So I am ready to decorate. I have always been one that has no problem putting back savings, but once my spending money is allotted...I spend!

But I will say my timing is foolish, I know it and I can't stop myself! Trying to buy all of the Christmas presents with 3 kids, decorate for Christmas, homeschool, cook and be an at least adequate homemaker has proved to be a big challenge. And then this week I was frantically doing all of this while trying to be a good nurse for my sick patient. I was lysoling and febreezing every time he left the bed or the couch in hopes of not spreading the virus to the rest of the family, particularly the baby. I literally looked like a chicken with my head cut off running around. I don't think at sat down for a single meal for three or four days straight! I was praying so hard for my sweet Savior to give me a fulfilling sense of worship and purpose as I served Him in serving my family. Many tasks were done with just feeling, but I will admit I secretly dropped a few four letter words under my breath as well. I am and always will be a work in progress, this side of heaven at least!

I love this season!

It can't really be mid-November! Where has the time gone? We have had a wonderful fall thus far. I have enjoyed fall traditions more this year than ever. We have marvelled at God's handiwork in the fall leaves, made batches and batches of pumpkin muffins, and I have fallen for hot teas and a new type of coffee that I don't seem to have a funny reaction to. We have also enjoyed many nights and mornings by the fire already, both inside and outside. We have discovered that we have a wonderful place on our property for night time bonfires. We have even been out with a glass of wine to enjoy by the bonfire after the kids are tucked in. I am going to miss the fall. I can't bring myself to shop for Christmas presents right now. I don't want to miss an afternoon to enjoy these last few days of my favorite season of the year.

Above are my boys waiting patiently for Mommy and #3 to get on our Sunday accessories and get on our way to church. They were so sweet and patient and cute while they were waiting and watching me apply the lipstick and earrings, wrestle the big bow on the baby's head, find her prettiest blanket because the regular cotton one just wouldn't do, etc. I took a picture for posterity. Maybe I will show it to them one day when they are engaged and remind them of the patience that women require. PS...I cut their hair myself! I am learning slowly but surely how to be a good steward of what God has given us, which doesn't come naturally. I saved $25 on their hair and $15 when I cut my man's...I admit I immediately wondered what I could now buy with the $40 I saved, but I dismissed that thought and left it in the bank!

The silver lining

God is really doing a marvelous work in my soul regarding my ministry here at home. I wrote in an earlier blog that I brought the kids home early from our beach trip a few weeks ago. That trip began the humbling lesson that God has been teaching me. In a nutshell, our trip to the beach was a struggle for me. My husband was asked to do a 30 minute lecture per day on creationism. The group he was speaking to was a homeschool co-op called Living Science. The kids were in high school. We went with the expectation of him being able to help with our kids during the day and afternoon, and then spend the evenings with the group. Once we got there he was asked to be with the group the whole day, every day. I was left with my newborn and two boys in a motel room. It was difficult to take the kids to the pool because the baby and I could not get in the water, and the beach was okay but very windy. By Wednesday all of the children had bad colds. So we came home. This trip was a trial for me because the majority of the time I was handling all three children alone in an unfamiliar and not ideal setting and then I traveled 6 1/2 hours home alone, only stopping to breastfeed.

So that was the down side, but isn't it just like God to have a silver lining? The up side was that I got to talk with some of the chaperones on the trip and be very encouraged for our road ahead with homeschooling. I got to see the most emotionally, academically and spiritually mature teenagers I have ever been around, and that was very encouraging! But most importantly, I learned something very important in my marriage. I learned that submitting to my husband is of upmost importance. I drove back home from a "failed trip" so tempted to have an "I-told-you-so" attitude towards my man. After all, who asks their wife to hit the road for 12 days with a newborn? But if I would not have heard God's sweet voice and listened, I would have missed out on so much. Yes the trip was a trial, but it was God's desire for me. My husband was not wrong in requiring me to go. I realized, by God's grace, the He is sufficient for me. I don't have to always be comfortable or organized or have it easy to be in His will. He taught me the strength I have when I look to Him. He allowed me to meet some amazing families and be encouraged enough to commit to homeschooling for the long run. He enabled me to not be mad at my husband for the mess we seemed to be in, but to seek out what God wanted me to learn. All of these lessons are things that I struggle with. I am constantly amazed at how God works in our lives.

My equivalent to Disney World

This week for me is the equivalent to a child's week at Disney World. I am so excited about it. The week began with Sunday when my parents were here and then we hosted our community group from church. I love beginning my week with worship at church and good fellowship with this group. I am learning in a rich way the deep blessing our Father gives us as we live in community with His body of believers. Then yesterday I met my dear friend and her three sweet children at the museum. We enjoyed hours and hours of uninterrupted conversation, a rare treat. Today I got to go to the grocery store alone. I love my kids, but this was again a rare treat. (Which would explain why I came home with delicacies that I usually don't have the time to think about...sun dried tomatoes, white wine, etc.) Tomorrow and Thursday will be low key days at home, which I am thrilled to have. I bought some storage containers and plan to continue my project in the school room of organizing and removing toys that the boys have outgrown. (Let me take this opportunity to make a plug for label makers. If you don't have a labeller, you NEED one. I'll take some pics later of how I use mine...everything from art supplies to toy bins are labelled in my house. :) ) Thursday night I am having a little Bible study with one of my closest friends here. We are reading The Ministry of Motherhood together, a must read for all moms! I have read it at least twice, but I can't wait to hear my friend's fresh perspective. Friday the same friend and another mom and all of our kids are going to have a playdate here at the house. Saturday we are having two of my man's former co workers and their families over to watch a college football game.

Having said all of this I realize we are having four events at our house in one week! I am finally ready to join the land of the living after #3's birth. I am so excited to be at a point where we can open our home to our friends and family again. It is good to feel rested and be able to serve again. I'm sure I'll be blogging on how exhausted I am next week, but for now I am going to enjoy each fun day. I definitely need time alone, time with my kids, time alone with my man, etc. But right now I am just craving time with friends after the first 6 post partum weeks. This truly is like a week at Disney... all I am missing is a Starbuck's and a shopping spree to call it a vacation!

Our little pumpkins

We had a fun Halloween. The boys, Mimi and I went trick-or-treating. There are so many kids here in our new neighborhood. I saw several families with children the same age as ours. I want so much to connect with them, but it is hard to. People are just so busy and kids aren't free to roam the streets. I am sure through prayer God will allow our paths to cross with whom He chooses. Anyway, the boys were so grown up. I can vividly remember a couple of years ago when they were too scared to walk to the doors and speak up. Last night we stood at the road and watched them walk up all of the driveways and sidewalks and say, "Trick or treat!" without any help. They just seemed so big!

I almost forgot to carve jack-o-lanterns this year. The afternoon of Halloween I remembered and we all piled in the van to find the last remaining pumpkins. The perks were that the pumpkins were practically free ($1 each), and they were very ripe which made them soft and easy to carve. The kids drew their own designs on the pumpkins with a marker and their Daddy did the carving. I bought a kids' book at the Christian bookstore about Halloween. It talked mainly about not having a "spirit of fear" when they see pretend ghosts, etc. No impressive theology, but good preparation before trick-0r-treating. The night was so beautiful. The fall trees even looked amazing in the street light and the air was cool and crisp, but not frigid.

The baby stayed home happily with Daddy to hand out candy. She has always been mostly good natured, but since we cut out dairy and began a daily regimen of Zantac she had blossomed. She flirts and smiles now frequently. We are all captivated. She looked at #1 and smiled at him for the first time today. We were at the mall. There was hardly anyone there and the kids were waiting for me in the restroom. All of a sudden I hear #1 squeal and he screams, "Mama, Mama, she smiled at me!" It was the first thing he shared with his Daddy when we got home. My family blesses me so much each day!

One month old

#3 is a month old! We went to the doctor today due to reflex. She got the same medicine that both of the boys had. Thankfully, she doesn't seem to be too fussy with it. And she is gaining weight fine despite the fact that she spits up everything! She weighs 10 pounds, 7 ounces already! Time is flying by. More later about our beach trip and why the kids and I came back 4 days early?! It was not exactly fun, but we had fun moments and we survived.

Let's not call it a vacation, let's call it an adventure

Signing off for the next 10 days. We are going to the beach. That's right, the beach. My man is speaking at a conference and the thought of being here without him for a week and a half was just too much. So "they" are paying for all of us to come along. I am not the adventurous spirit that many of you are so I am quite anxious. I wish so badly that I was a spontaneous mommy. I have never traveled with a newborn, except to see family a few hours away. I don't think we've ever even taken a family vacation for longer than 6 or 7 days. But we are going, and by golly it will be okay. I have already been reprimanded by my man for expecting the worst. I am usually a cup half full kindof girl, so he is baffled. So pray for us! I don't look to have a "vacation", I just want everyone to be happy and stay healthy. I sound so ungrateful, yikes!

The dinosaur kisses the princess

#1 has been doing a lot of reading about amusement parks. His obsession started in September when his Mimi announced to him that she and Papa are taking the whole family to Disney World next year. He immediately devoted his 20 minutes of computer time to researching every website he could find on Disney. His Papa recently bought him a kids' guide to Disney World. He received it this weekend and has already read it numerous times cover to cover. He has a mental agenda for our entire week at Disney. He knows which gift shops and restaurants come highly recommended. He knows which rides we want to get "fast passes" to ride. It is hilarious what he has planned. He has actually prayed to be 7 years old so that he can go to Disney. He also wants to go to Legoland in California. Somehow, in all of the hoopla, he discovered that website, too.

Well, yesterday I just could not take another conversation with him about Disney World. I did not want to hear again about Space Mountain. I did not want to be asked to tell him again about my memories of my last Disney trip. So I asked him to think of his own imaginary amusement park. I told him to go and dream it up and come back to me with fresh conversation. He quickly came back and said, "No girls allowed!" "What's that?", I asked. "That's the name of my amusement park." He is now in a dinosaur costume. "See, there will be scary stuff and roller coasters and dinosaurs." He then hears little #3 moan. He leans over to kiss her and quietly says, "Okay, there can be one princess playground...But that's it!!", and he leans over and kisses her. Sweet sisters change everything!

I've been thinking...

about my long term goals as a mom. I have been talking a lot lately to a good friend who has deep scars from childhood. This person has a well-intentioned, Christian mom. But her parenting was not very interactive or nurturning and the effects have been long-lasting. All of the conversations that I have had with this person have inspired me to think ahead. And then today I read a quote by George Washington that said, "My mother was the most beautiful woman I ever saw. All I am I owe to my mother. I attribute all my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her." Could you imagine your child saying that about you when he grows into an adult? A few years ago I read a collection of love letters that George and Martha Washington exchanged during the Revolutionary War. His love for her was so precious, and yet he says that his mother was the most beautiful women he ever saw. She must have been a wonderful, loving, amazing mother.

As I think about my little darlings, I have so many hopes and dreams for them. My greatest desire is for them to have a deep love and zeal for the Lord Jesus. I pray that their love for Him will be the cornerstone of their lives. That should be paramount for any Christian parent. So I have been thinking beyond that to what makes our little family unique and how I can be purposeful in striving toward that end. I can't put my desires into words yet except that I hope and pray that we will always be deeply knit. That we will always share on a deep level the joys and trials of life. I hope that my children can have the respect and love for me that will bind us together for a life time. I pray that they will look fondly back on their childhood and feel blessed by it. Hmm, I'm still trying to find the words. After countless hours of nursing my little sweetheart, I've just been thinking...

Kisses

We counted the other day...#2 kissed the baby 31 times from dawn til dusk. What a blessing.

Our first outing, just us girls

It's funny how I feel with this new baby. I guess because there is a four year gap between #2 and #3, and because I have never had a girl, I really feel like a new mom in many ways. This past Friday was a prime example. I took the baby to her 2 week check-up. I was actually nervous to see if she is gaining weight. It's so silly! But with breastfeeding, who knows how much milk they are getting? And she is sometimes going 4 hours between feedings and I did NOT want the doctor to tell me to wake her up to feed. Thankfully, she is gaining well. The picture above is what she wore to the dr. appointment. We have all of these adorable newborn size outfits and I don't want her to outgrow them, so we took the outing as an opportunity to wear something fancy. It really is fun dressing little girls.

Most embarassing moment

So, I shared my most shameful post-partum moment with my best friend tonight and I thought why not give you all a laugh, too. Yesterday, or maybe the day before, I asked my mom to listen out for the boys while I took a nap. Let me back up, I have a love/hate relationship with our master-on-the-main. I love it except when I am looking for quiet time. So, back to the story, I tried to ignore screaming, dump trucks rolling loudly down the hardwood foyer outside my door, the sound of little boys loudly imitating jets, car motors, monsters, etc. until I had had enough! I storm out the door and begin to lecture them on being respectful of others, that they are not the only two people in the family and they need to think of mommy too, etc. I notice my oldest is not looking at me in the face and I feel even more disrespected. I say in my sternest mommy voice, "You better look at my eyes when I'm talking to you!!" Just then I look down and I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I had fallen asleep nursing the baby. I had on a nursing shirt and my right bre*st is just hanging out for all the world to see. My husband wonders if they will be scarred for life! I hope not. It sure is funny now in hindsight!

A new day

Today was a wonderful day. I ended my yuck day yesterday in prayer. When I woke up this morning I had to face the music, literally. The boys have an early music class on Tuesdays so I had to be up and at 'em by 6:45. I actually love being in a hot shower before the kids are awake. What a great time for prayer and clarity. And the baby decided to go 4 hours between each feeding during the night! I started the day feeling better.

Today I knew we had a morning planned away from home and I wondered how the baby would do. I hated to get her out so soon. But the day was amazing. While the kids went to their music class, I nursed her in a chapel. It was dark and quiet and peaceful. Then she slept while we played on the playground with friends. I saw one of my dearest friends for the first time in a month and the fellowship was so nice. On the way home the most AMAZING moment of my day happened, it was a huge answer to prayer. My man called and asked if my mom could eat lunch with the kids and give us some time to have a date lunch together (with #3 in tow, of course.) I knew she would need to nurse right in the middle of lunch, but so what, I was game! We had the sweetest time together. Nothing romantic, just two best friends soaking up one another's company. I needed it SO much. I think my biggest problem yesterday was that my "love tank" was completely on empty. It had been too long since I had some cuddles and quality time with my sweetheart. The timing was perfect. The baby slept through the entire lunch, so it was more than I could have expected!

When we got home I knew we needed to have homeschool. On Tuesdays we do school in the afternoon which is not the best time for my boys to focus. It turned out to be a really great day in school. They did well and the baby slept through all four lessons. She must be going through her first growth spurt. She is eating like a little pig when she nurses, staying awake about 15 more minutes and then she is sleeping for 2 or more hours. Anyway, God was gracious to allow the events of the day to go so smoothly. It was convicting for me to see that life is so full of blessing and joy and that my melodrama is really silly. I am a thankful momma tonight.

The dreaded hormones

Today the post partum hormones have surged. Ugg. I should have seen this coming. Today was a day full of doubts and fears...all day long! The baby would fuss after a feeding and I would secretly wonder, "Could this be the beginning of colic??" It was our first day to homeschool since we welcomed our new little one into the family and the lessons went really well, but I still wondered why in the world I had willingly chosen this for us this year. It seemed like too much today. Even though I am down 20 pounds, I still have 13 to go to be back to pre-baby weight. I wondered as I took a 1/2 mile walk and became winded if I would ever get "my body" back. I watched my mom cook dinner #10 for us and wondered how in the world I would manage dinner next week when she leaves. My man chose to play his Play Station football game tonight after the kids went to bed and I wondered why he would choose to do that over be with me.

The pattern here is not good, I know. I'm blaming it on the hormones. I am going to go and pray that God would give me a deep sense of the impact I am making on my children for eternity. I am going to pray that He will fill me with a deep sense of His love and calling for me. I am going to pray that He will take every thought captive. And, I'm not gonna lie, I am going to lay all of these requests before Him. And I am going to pray that He will help me to be realistic. The baby is only 11 days old. I think I have just been looking so forward to feeling good that I am rushing into everything. I'm exhausted!