Balance

I am so frustrated with myself right now! I have just discovered (or rather God has revealed to me once again) a sin pattern in my life that needs fixing. It's the cycle of the Christian walk I guess, but frustrating none the less. I am an extremist. What I mean is that I find life hard to balance. I have struggled with perfectionism for a long time, well since I can remember. I don't say that light-heartedly like some women do. Many women call themselves perfectionist and what they are really trying to say is that they like to be neat or win games or whatever. When I say that I am a perfectionist I mean that when chaos begins to ensue, I seek order and will go to great lengths to achieve it!

Right now I am feeling that way about housework. I am looking back on this week with regret because I spent so much time trying to create the perfect house. I cleaned up toys multiple times a day, knowing fully well that the boys would create new messes. I just needed a little time to look around and see order. I put the baby in her seat or swing more that she needed to be just so that I could make sure my bed was made, each pillow perfectly fluffed and placed. Deep down I knew no one cared or would see that bed and in addition, my little guys would eventually jump on it and my work would be in vain. I told my sweet little #2 three times this week that I didn't have time to play with him when there could have been time, but I wanted to organize something or get just one more thing done that wasn't really necessary. I am frustrated with myself.

So here I am again, at the foot of the cross, asking my Savior for forgiveness and my children for forgiveness. If there is anything that I want to accomplish in life for the sake of Christ, it is raising children who know the Lord and who know that they have a Mommy who values her time with her family more than anything else in her life. I want them to grow up knowing how precious and unique they are , and the only way that will happen is if I am spending time with them and finding moments to communicate that to them. (Not just at bedtime or mealtime, but during the real life moments when we are living together!) I want them to have balanced memories of Mommy working as a housewife, Mommy playing and laughing and hugging them, and them playing alone or together. If I parented them during their entire childhood like I did this week, then none of these goals would be accomplished! And I doubt they would look back on that type of childhood with joy. I don't think any adult says, "I had the best childhood! My mom blew me off constantly, but the yellow in our kitchen was a beautiful color and our clothes always smelled of lavender!" Sounds ridiculous, but when I prioritize like this it is just that silly!

Lord Jesus, give me balance in my life and help me to let go of the control I want to have. Help me to find order in knowing I am doing your will and not in my own selfish desires. Help me to treasure the beautiful blessings that you have given me in my children.