Welcome, fall!

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns."

~George Eliot

Begging

Lord Jesus,

Help me remember today when I meet

the stranger,

the family member,

the rich one,

the poor one,

the joyful,

the bitter,

the young,

the old,

the insecure,

the proud,

the Christian,

the non-Christian,

and particularly the one that you know I struggle with,

that I have one very significant thing in common with each and every one.

We are all broken and in need of a Savior. Every day.

Please Jesus, take away my

naive expectations,

negative stereotypes,

false assumptions,

disbelief in real change,

strong, strong desire to retreat,

inability to extend compassion yet again,

pain, shame, and weaknesses,

and pour your Holy Spirit- Peace- in its place.

I have no capability,

desire,

motivation,

energy,

insight,

understanding,

or currently even quiet moments

to love others, especially those with whom you know I am struggling painfully right now, on my own. I'm fresh out of grace. And my plate feels full with just my husband and children! I would really, really love to ignore this situation and just enjoy them and others who reciprocate and fill my love tank. But don't let me, Lord!

Please continue to revive my heart and draw me in to your presence through your Word and prayer. "You are the vine..." I am convinced that the answer to my questions lately of how to look at the face of pain (especially when it is literally a human face), and continue to march towards it when you ask me to, is to know You more and more. After all the analyzing, I believe this simple truth is the simple Truth. Forgive me, as I have put up a cold wall instead of trusting you.

Knowing you makes me able to look at I Corinthians 13 and not begin to sweat with anxiety and defeatedness. Knowing you gives me hope and strength to boldly love the angry one who continues to hurt others. Knowing you makes me free to love even when others might not be making the effort I would like. Knowing you makes me refuse to feel like a victim, but instead to become a servant without expectation. Knowing you makes me love irrationally! Knowing you makes me able to give tough love too, if that is what is best. Lately I have not loved as someone who knows you. I have fallen silent and defeated. When I fail to love, redirect me and help me to do it again and again.

Lord, you know what the future holds. Help me to trust you with what is yours and not try to steal it. "The earth is the Lord's and all that is in it..." Yours are the answers, outcomes, power, future, hearts, and all the other things I find myself wishing I could control or manipulate for a time. But these things do not belong to me and nothing I can say or do will change these things. And that is a good thing. But you can use me as an instrument of your grace, and I pray you will.

Unconditional love is so very hard to give. Help me to remember the cross and how unimaginable your grace is for me. Help me not to listen to the evil one when He tempts me to pridefully think "I would never", as if I should judge. Go before, beside, and behind me Lord, and hem me in with your love so that it overflows. Be glorified. And if you choose, in your wisdom, to keep things the same, show me how to be fully alive here, while longing and treasuring heaven more and more. Help me remember that there will be a day when everything will be all good. Thank you that I can taste and see how good you are now, too. Amen

I Corinthians 13:1-4

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong and a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing,

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Happy birthday, Lydia Joy!

Our girl is officially four today. I would use the same words to describe her today as I have in years past. She is precocious, sensitive, bright, and sweet. She tends to be the leader of the pack among friends. Honestly, she tends to be the leader of the pack at home, too. She likes to remind the boys to chew with their mouths closed, clean their toothpaste out of the sink, and remember to flush. (I should probably remind her to do her future spouse a favor and give up on those things now. But since the boys tend to listen and follow along, I just remind her to say "please" and let her work her magic. Shameful. :) )She is all things associated with being feminine- both positive and negative. :)

She still loves princesses, pink, dress-up, tea parties, and the like. She almost always has on jewelry and chap stick. Her latest interest is the Wizard of Oz. She gasps every time Dorothy steps into Oz and the color spreads over the screen. And I do, too. She is so much like me, or at least like I was as a young girl. She likes individual time alone with us and her brothers. She talks and asks questions frequently. But this year she has also begun to enjoy playing alone in her own little world.

She loves ballet and singing, oh and getting new clothes. Her Daddy took her shopping for a new dress to wear to dinner tonight. I am extremely thankful that he knows her so well and loves her so well. She squeals when I redecorate or make a new piece of art. And she frequently sucks in her breath and says, "You look so beautiful!"

She spends a good bit of time writing, drawing, cooking and painting with me. Similarly, I used to shadow my Nana, Lydia Mae, when I was at her house. She taught me to braid my hair, bake, garden, paint my nails, and set the table. Lydie's relationship with me is much like mine with Nana. Unfortunately I can't stop everything like my Nana could to spend the afternoon in the yard. Nana lived alone, widowed at a young age. She had what some would consider a difficult life. But she loved loved and appreciated beauty and hard work. She had a servant heart and never chose to stay at home and spend her time pampering or feeling sorry for herself. She invested in me, and her grandsons, her neighbors, and volunteered at a hospital until she couldn't get around to do so. For me, the homeschooling, laundry, and other Mommy responsibilities continue. I have to bide my time well between each of my children, my husband, and others. But I am very thankful that Lydia Joy and I are kindred spirits. Every little girl needs a kindred spirited adult, and one who is willing to invest time and energy- even when they do not feel like it. Especially an old soul personality like my girl. I am trying my best to be that, as well as Mom, for her!

Even though Lydie is very girly, her brothers have impacted her in some ways. She has become a pretty fast runner and tricycler this year as she is trying to keep up with them. (We are giving her the *cutest* polka dotted Hello Kitty bike for her birthday today!) She taught herself to do a somersault one evening out of sheer determination. She wanted to know how, and she wanted to know that night. So she did it.

I get reminded frequently that "Joy" is the perfect name for her by her teachers at church and preschool. And we agree whole heartedly. She is a sweet joy! Happy birthday, baby girl!

Lydie's 4rth birthday party

We had a lot of fun at Lydie's party yesterday. Some of the kids had not even heard of Strawberry Shortcake, but I think they all liked our games. Here's what we did:

First the kids decorated canvas bags to hold their treats. Too busy greeting guests to snap photos, but you can see the girls holding their bags in the picture below.

Then I showed them pictures of each of the characters and explained the idea behind Strawberry Shortcake. Then the kids were ready to go to Strawberry Bitty City for some fun.

Our first stop was the strawberry patch. The kids took turns in groups of three looking in a pink balloon-filled pool for candy. Then we played our Strawberry Shortcake cd and had a contest to see who could keep a balloon off the floor the longest without holding it but tapping or throwing it in the air.

Then we went to Orange Blossom's tree house. The kids tried to throw orange balls in the tree holes for a prize. While they were waiting in line for a turn, the older girls and boys put tattoos on the kids. (Our littlest guest tried repeatedly and unsuccessfully to get a pink balloon through the holes. So cute.)
Then we went to Angel Cake's house for our rendition of a cake walk. The kid each stood on colored pieces of paper that were laid out in a circle. We played music and let them hop from color to color. When the music stopped, I pulled a crayon out of a bag. If the crayon matched their color they were out. The last person standing was the winner. This game was a favorite. We played it several times.

Since we mentioned cake, but the "cake walk" involved no cake, we decided to have cake next. This Strawberry Shortcake hat cake was the easiest cake I have ever made for the kids. Since I couldn't find strawberry cake toppers, I just used stickers! I definitely took the easy route because I had to do all of the decorations, planning, food prep, etc. by myself this year. Andy came in town just in time for the party.

**The boy with the silly face is Lydie's future husband, fyi.*

Then we had a pinata. In the past we have had duds with these string-pulling types of pinatas. But this one worked and I was glad for a calmer, indoor version for this party.

After the pinata we decided to let the kids have fun, while helping us clean up. We gave them toothpicks and let them pop the balloons. Then they picked up balloon pieces and put them in the trash for us. They loved it, and so did we!

Lydie loved all of her toys. She is growing up and getting toys with lots of little pieces! This year she got some Polly Pockets, a first for her. She also got some very fun art toys (stamps, painting), a board game, and a Strawberry Shortcake toy, of course.

The activities ended with 20 or 30 minutes left over for free play. (Just enough time for me to catch up with the other Moms, too.) We were glad it all worked out inside. She opted out of a swim party. And we are just too tired of the heat to have an outdoor party without water! I think it was a great day and I hope Lydie will remember being celebrated on her special day.

"Berry" happy party prep

Today Lydie is having a Strawberry Shortcake party. I love the theme she chose. She helped me decorate the house, bake the cake, and pick out her party dress. We are both very excited!

our party favor bags

decorations for the doorways

and for the windows

and a little on the ceilings. (We fell in love with polka dot crepe paper!)

For the tables there is a touch of Lydie and a touch of me.

We found her dress at Target. The rosettes stole my heart.

And the polka dots are pretty cute, too. Once we add her pink knee socks, mary janes, and a bow I think she'll be looking pretty darling!

Bees and cupcakes

Yesterday the boys had a day off of school for a field trip. They heard a bee keeper give a fabulous, informative talk on bees. We learned so much more than I anticipated. Andy hopes to have bees on our farm eventually. He believes that bees and earthworms are the most important and under appreciated of creatures. After yesterday, I think I agree.

The day worked out remarkably smoothly because the beekeeper spoke on the third floor of the same church that houses Lydie's preschool. So I was able to pop into her classroom when she had her birthday cakes and not miss a beat with the boys. Sometimes we try to combine field trip days with half a day of other lessons. But today we gave the entire morning, and half of the afternoon to our field trip and lunch with friends. It was a nice treat!

A good detour

Our sweet girl started preschool this week. We did not have a positive experience with preschool last year. (I pulled her out in December.) So this year I had purposed to keep her at home to learn and then fill her time well when the boys were learning. The problem is, she loves to learn and talk and interact. She loves to talk to us while we are having lessons. And as a result of the difficulty level of the boys' schoolwork, I feel like I am ever-so-gently shooing her away. She will obediently go play with her toys when the puzzles, manipulatives, or games I have given her become a bore. But then I find her telling her little teddy bears how lonely she is, and "frustated".

We prayed and decided that we would rather her spend her mornings away from home than for her to be here and feel pushed aside, rejected, lonely, or bored. I told my husband I would be a fool to believe that nothing needed to change for her. So I actually made a quick decision and enrolled her at the preschool that most of my friends at church use and recommend. She will go three days a week from 9:30-1:00. (I am so relieved that she has dropped her nap. Other wise we would not have any time together until practically dinner! ) Two of her classmates are church buddies. The boys start school at 9:00 and keep their lap desks in the car so that they can continue throughout our preschool commute. It actually works out really nicely.

She transitioned "seamlessly", so her teachers have said. They said by the second day (today), she was prompting the other children as to what to do next. They describe her as a "joy", and she is more joyful than ever. She has had show and tell, creative movement, science exploration, indoor and outdoor play, Bible time, letter and number fun, and art projects out the wazoo. And tomorrow is only day three. She LOVES it. She is a social, relational, love-to-learn kind of girl. And when I can not provide for her the type of environment that her personality will thrive in, I am very willing to let go of my plans and get help. I am so, so thankful to be able to afford to make the change for her.

Tomorrow she will take her butterfly cupcakes to school and gush as they sing Happy Birthday. She will take a Barbie doll because she is studying the letter "b". She will have music class and dance and sing. She will probably run in and not even kiss me good-bye. The boys will comment at how quiet it is (they have never had a learning environment that doesn't involve endless chatter), but also miss her like crazy and push through the Moms' line to get to her first. And then we will listen to her for the next 30 minutes as she vividly recalls each and every detail of her day. And hopefully, if tomorrow is like today and yesterday, the boys and I will be done with homeschool by 1:00 (which has never happened before this week!) and we will have plenty of time for the park or lunch with friends. On the other two week days I will continue towards her goal of learning to read and write and count. And we will paint and build, too. Ironically, I had posted the verse below on my lesson plan book for Lydie this year. Another confirmation that He knows, leads, and provides for us!

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."

Proverbs 16:9

Transparent or guarded?

I believe that true fellowship among believers requires transparency. A post-modern phrase that I hear often among people my age is "being real". But I think there is usually a vast difference between the meaning behind these two terms. In my experience, being real often refers more to tolerance of one's (or one another's) sin. I found that the words "being real" were usually followed with gossip, excuse to sin, or justifying negative behaviors. For these reasons I cringe when I hear people say that term.

Transparency, on the other hand, seems to be a good thing. That is, something that the Lord delights in. Transparency means not justifying sin, but confessing it, claiming it, asking for prayer and/or forgiveness. And those are the first steps towards turning away from that which doesn't please the Lord. It means shining a light on the thing(s) that Satan loves for us to hide safely in the dark. It means humility, as opposed to pride. It means walking away from a sin pattern or confessing a sin of the past, instead of embracing it as (real)ity.

We had a discussion at our HFC (Home Fellowship Group) at church about acknowledging our faults with our children. Andy and I are big believers in this type of family dynamic. My kids can tell by the tone in my voice when I am being given over to anger. They know, because I have confessed my anger in the past and asked for prayer, that it is okay to respectfully point it out to me. It might sound something like this, "Mommy you look like you are getting really angry. Should we pray for you?" Another frequent example that makes us all laugh is in Target. We always go in for one thing and then I tend to get distracted and piddle away hours. So now I will tell the kids if we only have a small chunk of time. And then when I get distracted they will say, "Momma, can we stay focused?" (At that point we are all laughing.) Humiliating? Yes. But I would argue that respect for me is not lost there, nor is my authority threatened.

Yes, my children know I am a fellow sinner in need of grace. But whether I admit my sin or not, they are taking mental notes and they absolutely will model my behavior. Do I want them to model my anger? Or do I want them to model my humility? Plus, I really need prayer most of the time, so I'll take it. :)

They seem to be much more willing to receive correction with a good attitude when I am humble as well. In my experience, children respect, admire, and draw near to adults who they feel like understand them, delight in them, and are willing to trust them with the truth. I guess we just expect this to all come at a smaller price than it costs. And for us, when we have responded to them properly, the cost is humility, patience, and trust. And these things require lots and lots of time, intimate conversations, and openness. We certainly do not always follow our hearts' desire in this area. I can be rather stingy with my time and willingness. But the goal and standard is there, none the less. If any one has ever read Sally Clarkson's (AMAZING) parenting books, you will be humbled, if not overwhelmed, at the amount of time she spends talking openly with her children. It's a daunting task when thought of outside the context of "one day at a time".

Any thoughts? How transparent are you with your children? Do you find yourself apologizing to them frequently as we do or is that something that is outside of your comfort level? If your children are quick to apologize or point out their own struggles, to what do you attribute this ability (besides God's grace!)? Did anyone have parents that practiced transparency with them as children? Just curious.

Shadows in the light

(Our Wizard of Oz party cake. Rainbow made by Lydie and our good friend Ella. Proud smiles.)

2 Corinthians 4:18 (The Message)

"So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today and gone tomorrow. But the things that we can't see now will last forever."

This week was a marvelous one. After 5 days in bed, I finally was able to make a full recovery last Friday and enjoy the Labor day weekend. We enjoyed a day in Chattanooga at the zoo and museum, with a wonderful evening visit with good friends. (Tiffany: We saw Denver, Joanna, and family. I tried to find your number, but couldn't! Oh how I wished we could have gotten together! But there's always next time!) Saturday was a good day of yard work, rest, football, a taste of fall. We enjoyed a beautiful message at church and fellowship. And Monday was filled start to finish with a day at the water park (our consolation prize for missing the weekend trip to the beach with family due to my illness). That amazing weekend was followed with four great days of school, our first fall tennis lesson, several play dates, the first fall Women's Bible study, a Wizard of Oz anniversary party ( *note the new music), and a friend's birthday party. Fun, fun, and more fun. I survived four days without my husband very well and even slept well, which is a testimony to God's grace.

"Parenting isn't so much about instructing people as it is about inviting into Presence."

~Ann Voskamp

I am not foolish enough to think I can earn, control, or manipulate a good week like this one. "The earth is the Lord's". But I am thankful and I intend to celebrate good health, rich learning, and good times with our loved ones. I have come out of what felt like a dark couple of weeks and now we are enjoying lighter days. That is the story of our life- a tide of trials and joys that ebb and flow like the ocean. Seasons change so quickly that the black darkness seems like merely shadows in the light of a new week. That is why I pray for the maturity (but do not quite possess it yet) to stay true to what I know, hang on, and move forward through the trials that come my way. I am such a feeler, this can be very difficult. That is, seeing beyond the here and now. I purpose to hold fast to the truth that He knows, He controls, He is always loving, and seasons will come and go- both good and bad-but He stands firm. I have discovered the secret to happiness- cling to Christ with all that is in me. Cling, cling, cling! Know Him (by spending time with Him), trust Him, love Him, serve Him, thank him by acknowledging His grace and His majesty. When I feel like I am sinking, put all that I desire down at His feet and trust Him to lead me into that particular day to do what He wills. I am His and not my own. But simultaneously, HE IS MINE as well! And with the love of Christ I have it all.

"I belong to God, and He has placed me here, and He will undertake for me and give me poise, grace, love, and wisdom, all I need to bring Him honor in the life He has appointed."

~Ruth Bell Graham

(Lydie giving a Lydie-style pose. I wonder how many childhood pictures my Mom has of me in this exact same pose?)

Eight sweet years

Josh at age 3 and now, age 8.

My sweet little man turned 8 last week. He is still a two-year-old little boy with a rail-thin skinny body, huge head highlighted with pink, pudgy cheeks, and drool on his chin, in my mind. For some reason I am a soft ball of mush for this kiddo. And for reasons I can not explain, I think it will be the hardest to let him fly the nest when he becomes an adult.
Maybe the reason is that he reminds me of Andy so much. They are everything I am not: quiet, athletic, only affectionate with a chosen few, great builders and problem solvers, laid back and easy to please, easily misunderstood- in a word, adorable. In his little, quiet heart runs deep waters. Oh, I adore this guy. When I am sick he cries. When he wakes up he finds me and hugs tightly. He tells me I am beautiful and he wanted to marry me until he turned five and figured out that would not work. Since my very, very easy labor with him he has been the most low-maintenance child ever. (Except for potty training. But hey, no one's perfect, right? :) ) The only thing I might change about Joshua is his fashion sense. Wow does he pick some tacky clothing to fall in love with! I have quit buying play clothes for him because if there is an outdated shirt or pair of shorts in the closet, he will choose them- clean or not. He's a darling, messy, reserved yet busy, blessing. And when he loves you, he loves BIG. When we saw him for the first time (the evening of August 31, 2002) we decided he looked like a Joshua. Forget the "John David" that I had called him for the last four months in my belly. He was Joshua, meaning "the Lord is my salvation". And it appears that He is just that to Joshua, praise God! My prayer for my boy this year is that the Lord would grow His faith. That He would gently make him less reliant on himself and more reliant on His heavenly Father. That He would "taste and see that the Lord is good" and is his very own. That he would grow in knowledge and grace and favor. May the Lord prepare Him for kingdom work now and all of his days! I love you, sweet Josh!