There have been so many times here lately that I have come face to face with my selfishness. It's staggering. It seems to be the ugliest with my husband. It is easier for me to be self-sacrificing for my children than another adult, apparently. Between my husband's travel schedule and using his gifts and talents at our church, at some point I have become weary and possessive, at least on the inside. My reaction has nothing, though, to do with him and everything to do with my heart.
Even when he is serving God I hesitate to pick up the slack around here. It is unbelievable to come face-to-face with the motives of my heart. Along with that ugly, I am always looking out for being taken advantage of. This is another sign of a selfish heart. Lord, help.
I have figured out a helpful habit. It is actually pretty simple. Give of myself with a cheerful countenance and pray for my heart to follow. Literally I can count on my first reaction when he needs to be away to be selfish almost every time. Therefore, I almost always need to react with the opposite reaction than what is going on in my mind. This choice is not being fake. It is just battling sin! I have had a few friends remark this past week on how kind I am. It is absolutely not my natural reaction, just a choice when I am wise enough to follow through.
Also, with this tendency towards serving self, I realize I need a bigger picture of God. I need more time with Him, pouring the gospel into my heart and mind. I want so desperately to grow in love and wisdom and to truly love others more than myself for the glory of my Savior. In Christ, there is hope! I am never permanently stuck in my sin! Praise Jesus!
"It may be possible to think too much of his own potential glory hereafter; it is hardly possible for him to think too often or too deeply about that of his neighbor. The load, or weight, or burden of my neighbor's glory should be laid daily on my back, a load so heavy that only humility can carry it, and the backs of the proud will be broken." -C.S. Lewis