Less than a month ago, our oldest son got his driver’s license. In that moment when my precious son drove his vehicle away from our home- with our other son in the passenger seat, no less- all of my fears took on a life of their own and began to shout mercilessly at me. I was kidding about this event driving me to drink. But the anxiety it produced may or may not have caused my husband to suggest such a solution. It is no accident that I am reading A Quest for More (Tripp) during this stage of parenting.
God has been patiently and consistently growing me over the
past two years as he has exposed old wounds again from a traumatic car accident
in high school. Fear has come in great big waves instead of manageable
whispers, particularly when Jackson became a student driver. My “Comin’ to
Jesus”, so to speak, has been wonderful and painful (as all discipline and
healing should be from a loving Father). Idols are slowly being pried from my
white knuckled fists, as I learn to parent a teenager with ever-growing
independence.
In A Quest for More,
Tripp masterfully describes the two kingdoms that we choose to live for: the
little kingdom of self vs. the larger kingdom of God. I was deeply convicted as I was reading
chapter 4. It stated, “This way of living (focusing on my needs or the kingdom
of self) is always riddled with anxiety and fear. You see, I will never be able
to control all things that need to be controlled in order for me to guarantee
that all of my needs will be met…I will always struggle with the anxiety that
comes from the realization of how small the circle of my control actually is.” Yes,
there’s the rub. Fear usually boils down to a lack of control or essentially, a
lack of faith. As Jack drives away in the rain, drives farther away from home,
gets his first job that requires traveling back and forth, and settles into
more social events with friends, I get opportunities as well. I get to come to
the foot of the cross and preach the gospel to myself, remind myself who our
Creator is and who I am, and build my trust and faith. It’s a daily renewal and
I am so thankful. My prayer life is never quiet!
Ann Voskamp says, “The answer to anxiety is the adoration of
Christ.” And that same idea is the premise of Tripp’s book. He goes so far as
to say that “this constricted little kingdom (of self) will crush my humanity.”
We were not designed to live for anything outside of the glory of God. Being
reminded of this truth has led to repentance and growth, but it has not
produced a fearless Momma overnight. However, I can testify that reflecting on
the work of my Redeemer and his saving grace, purposing to live for His glory
and not my own (“the larger kingdom”), and continuously surrendering my
children to their heavenly Father has developed a growing peace and joy in me. I am so thankful for the Lord’s mercy. And
just in time…in three months, we will have another student driver!
“Sometimes your only available transportation is a leap of faith.”
Margaret Shepard
