Square peg, round hole

I told my husband yesterday that since we moved I often feel like I am a puzzle piece that just will not fit into the puzzle of life here. I could name a thousand things I am thankful for in my life right now. And those are the things I try to bring to mind from day to day. But when it comes to the kids' school, church, this rural life, and the things we are involved in here it is all SO, SO different than what I am used to. I refer to our new life as "China" a lot. When a crazy thing happens, as it often does, I smile at Andy and whisper "China". (Does he know I smile so as not to cry??) Not because China is bad. But because China is on the other side of the world, completely foreign to me. And although some people LOVE China (and rightfully so), it does not appeal to me. I could give examples, I could write an entire blog on examples, but it would be rude, I'm afraid. My sister-in-law says I should write this blog and name it, "The Joke's On Me". Nice.

I am not sure if we will mesh into the culture and ways of life here. But I am trying to give it a try. I am trying to look for the best-case-scenario for our family. The first place I need to do this is with schooling. Honestly, when we moved here I had never felt so not-my-self and defeated. After the previous year of having our house on the market and having the ever-looming dread of moving I felt exhausted and sad. And then after the initial adrenaline wore off from our move, I felt overwhelming grief. I still wrestle with grief and lament and I wonder if it will take a year or two, as if someone died, to be able to lay it down and live unencumbered. The truth is, I love these precious people in my life. I love thousands of things about my life. I even enjoy our farm. But I struggle with our location. So with that heavy burden, I am very thankful that I let the kids finish out the year in a private school. I had nothing to give them this past spring but grief. Literally.

Back to best-case-scenarios. I was talking with my pastor briefly the other night about decisions. He asked what I had decided to do about the history teaching position. (I have been putting off the interview because of doubts.) I told him I was waiting on an answer from the Lord. He said it would be nice to always hear from the Lord, and easy, but sometimes we just have to act and trust. I think I always hesitate to do what I desire to do because I am afraid the Lord wants me to step out of my comfort zone and do something else. (This attitude might be why I am living in "China"!) Is this crazy? Does anyone else use this type of reasoning?

So for just a little while, I am going to pray, dream, and act. I think the only way to get out of this difficult move with my sanity in tact is to figure out how I want my life to look and go for it! I am not saying I will not listen to the Holy Spirit if he beckons me. I love this article about that very thing, and can relate to each point mentioned. But lately I sense my relationship with Jesus as something that hinders me. It's tragic and disturbing and I am not sure why I have been feeling this way. I am always waiting for Him to challenge me, and not in a good way. Lately, I feel like a battered, old dog waiting to get slapped. My eyes are half shut and my head is turned away, just waiting for another blow. I told Him the other day, "Your yoke is supposed to be light. I don't get it." But I am beginning to see that I am creating my very own daily weariness, and things have to change. When I look at myself as a daughter of the King, I realize I have it all wrong. He wants the very best for me. He gave His very life for me. And although sometimes His will does involve suffering, no doubt about it, it shouldn't always be that we throw ourselves into the most difficult, uncomfortable thing for the "sake of servitude". I am on a mission to find the square hole that fits my square-pegged self. I am giving myself permission for a while to avoid all round holes and find some good, "Ah-I-was-made-for-this!" fits! I know deep in my gut that I will not be able to continue living here if I don't make connections. And I have a few ideas of just where to begin...